(((WARNING!!!!!!)))) THIS BLOGPOST HAS DISGUSTING AND DISHEARTING HUMOR IN IT. IF YOU ARE WEAK OF STOMACH OR SENSE OF HUMOR THEN STAY AWAY. READER DISCRETION ISN'T REALLY ADVISED BUT EH WHATEVER JUST READ IT. IF YOU DARE. MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. COUGH COUGH OUCH THAT HURT.
So this year has really sucked for Matt Mead! Let me start off by saying I'm still alive and kicking and I still have my family and friends. So why did this year suck? Well I'll tell you. I've almost died THREE TIMES! Yeah three times. Crazy right?
In March I almost choked to death on a bologna sandwich. Thankfully my roommate Tony Strader was there to support me through the situation. It went a little like this.
*Matt takes bite of sandwich. Chew. Swallow.* UH OH I think to myself it feels stuck. Let me drink some of this orange soda to wash it down. UH OH UH OH UH OH the soda is just sitting on top of the food and I can't really breath toO well. GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE I say to Tony. In response to my Gurgles Tony replies GROWL GROWL GROWL! Inside I laugh then I realize "Wow I'm choking." *Matt hits his chest with his hands to symbolize choking.* Tony, still growling, comes up behind me and pantomimes the Heimlich maneuver. Realizing he is just joking I show my seriousness by throwing up on the floor then proceeding to the nearest toilet to continue. "It's still in there!" I yell. "That's what She said." chimes in Tony from the next room laughing. Thankfully the sandwich is ejected from my esophagus and I am well. *Matt cleans up the puke finishes the sandwich and goes on with his life.*
Now the next incident is actually a two parter but I'll skip to the second part, briefly outlining the first part.
*Matt and his Buddies, Josh, Ryan, Dylan, David, and Jordan, are on a canoe trip. In the first mile or two of the trip Matt and David flip their canoe get a there things wet and become shook up. They continue the trip. The group of boys comes to another set of nasty rapids.* Josh and Ryan in a canoe ahead of David and I hit the rapids and successfully pass through them. David and I have two choices, Risk the rapids or Pick up our canoe and walk over some rocks to the other side.
"Maybe we should go around." I plea.
"Nonsense!" Shouts David.
"Okay.... I guess." I whisper.
*Matt and David hit the rapids and are pushed up to a rock.* UH OH I think there is a huge rock coming up we're going to hit it. WAIT I think I'll just push of the rock with my foot, we aren't going THAT fast.
*Matt pushes off the rock.* HA SUCCES.....OH SHIT! The boat tilts to the left and gets water in it tipping over.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream as the boat gets sucked under the rock.
*Matt throws his hand out of the water to grab onto the rock as to not get sucked under the rock. However his efforts fail.* UH OH I think. I'M GONNA DIE! I also think.
*Matt gets swept under the rock held underwater for a few moments then gets pushed back to the surface. He lands on shore and pulls David to safety, who had been holding onto a rock.*
"Maybe we should have just picked up the boat." I state.
*David laughs in the face of death.*
That was really alot of fun I must say. <------------- Blatant Lie. :)
Now we come to the most recent attack on my life.
*Matt is watching a movie with his mom, eating a hotdog and mac & cheese.* UH OH the food feels stuck in my throat let me drink some liquid to wash it down. *Drink* UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH! I can't breath. The food is stuck, I'm really freaking out, It hurts oh geez!
*Matt's mom being the nurse that she is tries the Heimlich Maneuver to no avail as she is literally half his size and just can't be any help.* UH OH I need to eject this food but how?
*Matt throws up on the floor.* UH OH that didn't completely work. TO THE BATHROOM!
*Matt rushes to the bathroom where he resumes.* PHEW there it goes. Wait wait......BLARG! PHEW there it goes. Wait wait....... BLARG BLARG BLARG! PHEW there...... BLARG! BLARRRRRRRRRRRRG! oh man this really BLARG!!!!!!!!!!!! oh come onBLARG!!!!!!!!! okay okay I think I'm good.
"Mom hand me some water." I say.
*Drink* PHEW........ what the BLARG! BLARG! BLARG!
"Mom I think something is stuck in my throat. I can breathe but I still feel funny." I say.
"Oh geez. Only you Matt! Do you want to go to the hospital?" Mom says.
"No I think I'm.......(BLARG!)...... maybe we should go." I say.
*Matt and his mom go the hospital. Matt is still trying to burp up the food. He sees the doctor and does an experiment.*
"Here drink some water, I want to see what happens." Says the nice lady doctor.
"Okay." I say.
*Sip* PHEW.....BLARG!
"Eh its just the water." BLARG! "Yep just the water." I say.
*Fastforward a few hours, the nice lady doctor says a GI specialist will be here in the morning so Matt has to stay the night. Matt has never stayed the night at a hospital before. They give him PJ's and cart him around in a wheelchair!* FREAKIN' SWEET I think to myself.
"But before you go," the doctor says, "here is something we think will help."
*Injection through IV hole*
"Thanks doc!" I say.
*Fast forward an hour*
"Matt why don't you go to sleep?" My mom asks at my bedside.
BURP "I'm afraid too, plus my stomach hurts now." UH OH!
*Matt runs to the bathroom* COUGH....COUGH...... blarg...... BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!! HA HA!! There is that pesky hotdog!
*Matt stays the night to get checked in the morning. The GI doctor comes in tells Matt that the procedure is quick and He'll get to leave that afternoon.* YES! No school today! Thank you hotdog.
So my year has been full of alot of life threatening food and water. I think I'm going to be more careful now.
How has your life been this year? As exciting as mine? Or more!? Let me know.
