The Future is All That Matters

What do I want to be? Where do I want to end up? What do I want for my future that doesn't involve the end?

What do I want to learn? What do I wish to impart? What will I be best suited for? Why should I try to attain this? What benefit will I discern? What changes will be made? What happiness derived?

Will I cease to wish for the darkness? Will it subside? Will it only be masked by the rolling of time? Will I awaken feeling new? Will the days grow better in view?

What should I do?

Men aren't supposed to cry.

When I was young and I used to cry I'm fairly certain I wished I wouldn't cry so easily or so much. I think I cursed myself. I just got finished crying for the first time in what feels like years but has actually been months. For so long I've felt numb and so long I've wanted to cry and let it all out like I used to when I was upset. 

I sat on my bed, after looking up some things online about being unable to cry, and just tried to think of things that have made me upset to the point of tears before. I immediately went to my father and how I used to hug him as a child. That didn't work like it had in the past so I pushed the subject in my mind. Going from that simple image to asking myself over and over and over "Why does my dad not love me?" 

I repeated it like a mantra. Like a hammer swing on the side of a wall about to break.

"Why does my dad not love me?" BANG!

"Why does my dad not love me?" BANG!

"Why does my dad not love me?!" BANG! 

Until the wall broke a little. A crack formed and a few tears formed in my eyes. I added that with the image of him hugging me, instead of me hugging him. A mental realization that I'm waiting for him to reenter my life, for him to make an effort. 

I cried, then it died down. I let the image change of us and it returned again. Then died down again. It repeated one more time then it stopped. The dam was rebuilt and the torrent of emotions held back by them laid dormant again. 

I hate having swells of anger. I hate feeling numb during the day. I hate not being able to cry. I hate everything.

....the void stared back.

I've realized I project a lot. I always assume that everyone is as dead inside as I am and they are just better or worse at hiding that fact from the world.

Naivety is a blessing and curse.

I wish I knew less about life than I did and I wish I could start over again.

After 8 years I still don't know much more than I did when I was 18.

Fucking waste.

I'm not dead yet, just breathing slowly

Even now sitting here pondering on the future, thinking of you and all the possibilites I have in life, I wish for death. My mind slips from the now and the possible good future to a present where I pull a trigger and things go away.

It would be my final choice to make. I wouldn't have to wonder if I made a mistake because I wouldn't be allowed to make mistakes anymore. I'd finally be rid of the anxiety of "choice" and "doubt".

But isn't that what makes us human? Isn't that part of the experience we call life?

You're right I suppose but it's gotten harder and harder to see beyond the veil of darkness drapped over myself. I know in the past I've peeked beyond it and felt okay but each time I find myself enveloped deeper.

I wish to let it all pour out of me. I just can't seem to muster the flow of tears or the release of tensions. It builds up slowly and I can feel it wearing me down.

I wish I was all about something so I could make that my focus. I don't know what that is. I don't think anything has caught my attention so strongly that I wished to pursue it as a life's pursuit. I have my feeble ideas and my feeble hopes and dreams but none are sustained in the darkness. I'm not sure that they are meant to but I wish I felt strongly enough about something.

I've been wanting to figure out what to do with my shitty life for years now. Recently I met someone who is heading off to college soon and it made me want to go back. The problem now is figuring out, not only how to pay for it, but what to go for. What career do I want when I'm done? What do I want to do for the next ten or twenty years? What if I'm two years in and I've made another mistake? Or I have a big relapse in mental clarity and want to run away from everything again? What if I end up running in place as all the others around me move ahead? I think that would just make me want to end it even more. Feeling like I'm bolted to the floor as my friends and loved ones succeed, as I fail yet again.

I almost don't want to attempt it. That's what happened with the job in Maine. When it was first mentioned to me I was ready to take a flight up or drive up as soon as I got word of it. Then a week went by, then a month. I applied but had my reservations and now I want to retract it and act as if I was never interested. Why do I do that? Let my woes overshadow my happiness? My prospects of new life experience?

Why do I feel so sad but can't let it out in a healthy way? Why do I wish for the end when I've only just begun? Why can't I cry?

I feel lost and I don't know where to turn.

Isolated

I wish to be one with the void again. 

Whence I came before the womb. 

Hence I'll ride after my final breath. 

Entombed in darkness for eternity. 

Released from this darkness inside. 

I yearn to be one with the void again. 

A love lost in eternity

I've talked about dreams before and I'm falling victim to them again. I dreamt about you last night and felt the same feeling I do when I see you. An urge to ask you out, to go do something together. But all I could say is "What's up?"

I think that's my fear of rejection not saying what I really want to say. Or my fear of coming off too strong like I've undoubtedly done in the past. Afraid to push you away while wanting to bring you in closer. I'll probably never say what's on my mind.

I almost never do.

If I did I'm worried I'll be seen as strange. I'll be upsetting some balance in my life.

How would I handle a positive affirmation? Or a negative one? Or the revelation of the truth I hold about you? What would I do then?

Why am I even asking these questions? I'll never get the answers.