What makes a man....

This city. Why do I stay in this city? Its darkness has made me dark inside. I'm not going to tell you I was a saint before I set foot here. But I know I wasn't this bad. How is it that the ones that are supposed to uphold the law are as corrupt as the ones breaking them?

I couldn't find these answers. Not at the bottom of a bottle, not in the eyes of a criminal, not on the news, not in my own head. I've realized we are all shades of who we wanted to be.

Me? I don't know what I wanted to be. I can't remember anything before I got here. But I know what I am now. Or at least I think I know. I'm a two-faced, scheming, no good detective. Smoke three packs a day, and drown it down with bourbon. The alcohol keeps the thoughts of "leaving" at bay, but why shouldn't I just let them in. I hear they make great house guests.

Too many people die in this city, but it seems like after one death occurs ten more people move here in their place. Searching for something of their own, but not ever finding it. They end up just falling down a dark hole, never seeing the light ever again.

If i could I'd burn this city to the ground and hopefully that would put these broken souls to rest. They linger in every alley, every shadow, they stay in the darkness with everything else.

If i had the opportunity could I go through with it? Would I be held back? Would I hold myself back? I can't take much more of this.

Every innocent face I see becomes tainted after three weeks of being here. Nothing I know is right anymore.

Maybe tonight I'll be able to sleep soundly, while the sirens ring out across the street tops.

One match, one can of gasoline, one more decision. My last choice, to do the right thing. Like I always told myself I would do.

Rest in peace.

Come on.... Really?

I have a few questions for anyone who ever thinks Atheists are Immoral.

How many people have been killed in the name of Atheism?

How many people have been tortured in the name of Atheism?

How many people have been crucified in the name of Atheism?

How many crusades have been waged in the name of Atheism?

How many wars have been waged in the name of Atheism?

How many people have been burned at the stake in the name of Atheism?

How many animals and people have been sacrificed in the name of Atheism?

How many children were molested by Atheist Priests? (I realize this is an oxymoron, but you get my point)

How many suicide bombings were committed by Atheists?

How many times has an aspect of Atheism wiped out the entire human race?

Do you need a hint?

Try Zero.

If immorality is NOT killing other people based off of prejudice, NOT molesting little children, NOT sacrificing animals or people, NOT waging war, and NOT torturing my fellow man. Then I guess I'm as Immoral as they come.

Away from you all

When I woke up this morning all I cared about was being able to eat something and keep it in my stomach. Now at 10:12pm I don't feel much different. I don't feel the same way I did three days ago. I don't feel like the same person. I feel down and out. I'm feeling like I'm alone, and that I've been this way for a long time.

As if no one has really been with me at all. I imagine this as me walking down a road with everyone I've ever known walking beside, behind, and around me. This morning I opened my eyes and saw that no one was really there. Only my footprints made the path to where I am right now. All those other people were just an illusion. All the previous love I'd felt was gone, no inkling of friendship shown through, no feeling of good persisted.

I feel detached from everyone and it hurts. This is a type of depression I've never felt. Something I don't want to feel. Yet it all seems too true to me. As if being this way really shows how my life is right now. I am all alone, even though people say they are there. I am alone. With only my struggles, my downfall, my self destruction. I don't see a light, I don't feel the spark inside myself.

All I feel is pain, and the wanting to be away. Far away.