No One Like Me

                “You broke another one! Why’d we even let her play with us? She keeps breaking them!” a boy hissed, his face red with anger.

                “She promised she wouldn’t this time.” A girl whimpered to try and cool his and the other’s emotions.

                “I’m sorry.” Jamie said sheepishly. The pieces of the toy spaceship she had been given fell between her fingers to the ground. She was too afraid to hold it tight again, afraid she’d crush them even more. The boy whose toy it was, was crying and wiping his face. The other boys and girls in the group all stared at her and made faces. This was the fifth time this week she broke a toy from grabbing it too tightly. She looked at them and felt their hate wash over her. She dropped the pieces and attempted to run away. Travis, an older boy who had been held back in school, stood in her way.

                “’member what I said I’d do if you broke something else?” he cracked his knuckles and stared her down. The other kids took a step back, far enough to be safe yet still close enough to see the action. They didn’t want anyone to get hurt but they all didn’t care much about Jamie. Not since she came to school two weeks ago.

                Jamie just stood with her head down waiting for the boy to punch her or kick her. She wanted to plead with him and the others, apologize over and over that she didn’t know why everything she touched broke but she couldn’t find the words. She wasn’t sure they’d listen even if she could. They were waiting for a show now. One boy kept a look out and the rest had their eyes trained on Travis and Jamie standing in the middle of the playground. The teacher had stepped away for a smoke, the kids were all alone. Travis smiled and raised his fist. The children held their breath as his show of force came raining down on Jamie’s head. A cry was let out. To their surprise it was from Travis.

                “My hand!” Travis grasped his right hand and started to tear up. The children stood in bewilderment.

                “What happened?”

                “Did she hit him?”

                “No, she just stood there.”

                A few seconds ago Jamie was ready for the attack and braced for it but when she opened her eyes she saw Travis holding his hand in pain. Jamie having barely felt the first strike was confused. She felt the spot where he touched her. Nothing felt different. How was that possible?

                In Travis’ rage at shedding tears in front of the younger kids, he reached back to strike Jamie again with his other hand. Travis swung again and this time Jamie held up her hand to block it. Travis’ hand crumpled under her smaller hand and he cried out in pain.

                “What?!” a few of the children cried out. They all took another few steps back in fright from Jamie as she stood there. She looked from side to side not understanding what was happening and started to cry. She wanted help or someone to make sense of it. The teacher having heard the cries of the boy now writhing on the floor with two broken hands rushed over.

                “What happened? What happened!?” he pushed through the small pack of kids. He saw Jamie with her hand raised and the boy on the ground, not sure what to make of it.

                “Jamie did it!” one of the boys said pointing. All the other children nodded in agreeance. Their fear of Jamie was unalienable now. Jamie stood frozen not sure what was happening to her. A few broken toys and angry stares had turned into fearful eyes and contempt. She just wanted to disappear from that spot and never return. The teacher, wanting to gain control of the situation, approached Jamie and put his hand on her shoulder.

                “Jamie what did you…” before he could finish the sentence Jamie had spun and knocked him away throwing him five feet back off his feet. He laid unmoving by the swing set.

                “She killed Mr. Justen!” the kids screamed and started to run around in a hysteria. Jamie looked at her teacher unconscious on the ground, then Travis slowly crawling away from her, then her own hands. Her own destructive hands. She wanted to tear them off and throw them away. But that wouldn’t help, the damage had been done. Another teacher came outside to see what all the noise was then ran back inside to call the police having seen the two bodies on the ground. Jamie darted towards the fence around the recess area and tore through it like tissue paper to escape. Tears and snot streamed down her little face as she ran. Where could she hide? Where could she run? Could she go home? She thought of home and her parents faces in the dark of night leaning over her bed.

                “You’re special Jamie.”

                “One of a kind.”

                “We love you.”

                “I wish I was normal!” she screamed as she ran down the street. “I wish I was normal.” 

The Way We Are

Coming to a startling revelation, I now realize why I dread returning home from camp these past two summers. It's because I have no community when I leave.

At camp I'm surrounded by like minded individuals who love and respect one another, every day. Even through hardships and rainy days. We stood together as a family, a strong bonded community that was set with a task: Take care of the children, while you take care of yourselves.

We had a goal. We had a purpose. We had a structure and we had a community.

Back home I have no structure and I have no community.

I feel more alone now than ever since my friends are moving farther away from me. I feel an isolation creeping towards me as I wake in this room surrounded by nothing but my own thoughts.

I miss my friends who greeted me from the outset of the day and who wouldn't let me be for more than a few moments afterwards. I miss the people I call family. The ones who lifted me up and whom I lifted up in return. The people I would do anything for, even die for. The community I was so strongly a part of for so long.

I miss my love, my heart, my soul. My new family.

I need to find that again. I yearn for it. How a person can survive without it is beyond me. I know now that I can't survive without it.

I need a new community. A new structure...far from here.

Second Chances We Take For Granted

The worst part about being transplanted from one plot of soil to another is not being able to flourish in the new ground. Not to say the soil isn't fertile here but when you try to grow a northern pine in the south you'll see a lack of growth. A loss of potential.

I was born in New England to parents from New England and was raised by a family of a mentality born in that area. I was brought to a place starkly different in attitude and appeal. Having lived the majority of my life in Kentucky I never truly feel like I'm where I belong while I'm here.

I've heard from many different people that this isn't the place for me. That I should get out and go somewhere else, someplace where the people are more like me.

"You're a creative type, this isn't the place for you."

"You don't think like the people here."

"Just go man. Just get up and go."

To where shall I go? Back to where I'm "from"? Or attempt to plant my roots in another altogether new place?

Or should I attempt to make this place I've occupied home? No. I don't think so. The idea of staying here any longer is crippling to me. Not so long ago I was resolved to throw a dart at the map and leave for that destination with no plan for return lest I fail outright.

Even then, who knows.

I failed to take that leap and instead spent some time back in New England. In the woods. Learning about myself. Learning what seeds I have stored up, that I hope to sow. Taking time to figure out what will make me happy.

Is happiness in Kentucky? No.
Is solace in Kentucky? No.
Is my future in Kentucky? No.

Still the question remains: Where will I go?

I've been tempted to return to New England. Last year: because of a girl. This year: because of a girl and possibly more. Next year? Who knows?

All I know now is that I need to start setting things up so I can get the fuck out of here sooner than later.

"I'd love nothing more than
To pull up my roots and replant
Myself in much richer grounds
Shed the dead limbs and re-grow new"

The Lighthouse by Jamie's Elsewhere

Softly Yell Love, Voices Inside Answer

To put temptation inside another person for your own selfish gain is detestable. Yet, I still do these things. In the quiet of nighttime I let words slip from my lips that betray my true thoughts. Thoughts I normally keep locked up behind stoic inhibition. A calm dismissal of feelings and a resolution to be alone.

Having let my words slip has been a solace and a quiet curse. Before their birth from my mind into the air, you were nothing more than a fleeting idea. Concrete now, you manifest inside my mind and heart.

It would be you. If I had my way, it would be you and me. Two positive agents against the world, sharing the same heart.

Finally finding someone who understands, who would be a partner and not just a crutch. Sadly, life isn't as cut and dry as we'd like it to be. Who would I be to try and tempt you out of your current convictions to entertain the ideas of my futures?

And with these ideas, come doubts. If I was successful in tempting you would I fulfill the promise my heart is ready to profess? All of my being save a small sliver says yes, but the sliver's tiny voice echoes longer. Echoing a cry of failure and pain.

My greatest fear with you or anyone is that love will end, and it will end in the worst possible circumstances. That I would eventually succumb to my unworthiness. All the negativity I've built up inside wouldn't defuse but increase and explode at the worst possible moment.

"True love" is meant for fairy-tales. Real love is a struggle. A struggle I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to endure no matter the person involved.

That is my fear. With fear I also have hope. With doubt I have love.

"Just to clarify....it's you."

In Retrospect

What does it mean to profess love? Especially when it is already known that the recipient of this affirmation can not reciprocate? That they are in fact hindered very deeply. Is it a waste of breath to then express feelings that you know will not be returned? is it for ones own mental well being to let loose such feelings regardless of outcome, positive or negative, lest the words bore a hole deep in the heart and mind if left to metastasize? To flirt with such feelings especially when the recipient is already invested heavily in another is...unethical? Immoral? Unjust? Perhaps one or all. For to express those feelings, to let them enter the ether is to invite a response. A positive response in this case would have negative connotations for the third party, while a negative response will only affect the two primary parties. A positive affirmation of feeling yet a decline to move ahead with said affirmation is a split response, which could cause even more turmoil than a flat negative. For having the notion of possibility floating amongst the ethereal is to invite constant rumination of futures that will most likely, if the recipient is actually true to their heart and loyal to their current situation, never come to fruition. Let's say however there is a breakdown of the previous situation and the recipient reciprocates. What does that say of their loyalty? Of their commitments? This as we know all depends on how the "previous" is jettisoned. Is it immediate? After considered thought? Or not at all until the "new" has already begun? Which would lead to turmoil for all three parties. So what then should the primary professor do? Bite ones tongue? Tempt aggressive actions and hope for salvation? Or weigh the options carefully and test the proverbial waters? Each case is special, unique, hard to subscribe to one solution. It is wisest to know your recipient and how they might take your expression. All else is left up to chance.

Love Lost on the Turning Page

After a summer of love and lust I've felt somewhat hollow....no not hollow that's the wrong word to describe it. I've not had a feeling of longing that usually accompanies the distance through time and space in association with a woman. I spent the better part of two months with one person slowly but surely falling for her as we spoke in the night, held hands and shared the same breath. As our time progressed we eventually shared intimate time together and yet in the absence I don't feel a sense of remorse or longing. In fact I feel a general sense of non-emotion. I don't long for her and for that matter I don't long for anyone else. I've made drastic changes to my psyche as it pertains to relationships and how I interact with them pre-, during and post said relationship. My days of lamenting time spent apart and fear of abandonment have been eclipsed by a dismissal of feelings. The old me would have fallen head over heels in love with this girl from the outset, if not when we had slept together and yet the man I am now can dismiss it. Part of me wishes I wasn't this way, wishes I was capable of more sentimentality. Not that I'm fully incapable of feeling love but with her it didn't happen which in of it self surprises me immensely. I've not felt many pangs of regret or pain and the ones I do feel are fleeting. I've accepted that our relationship wasn't bound for much post camp even though part of me was open to it continuing in some way or another. The lack of it isn't hindering me mentally or emotionally, at least outwardly that I can tell. In fact having this limbo of a relationship as it stands right now having no words been exchanged between us confirming or denying any potential for a relationship or in the absence of words very blatant actions on her part to show me that it isn't a potential, have been a very cathartic feeling. I don't feel the need to replace her or seek out another. Although, her apparent social distance of late as relates to me personally has been a very clear indication where her priorities are, which is only natural. She is concentrating on setting up her life at college and a summer romance doesn't really fit into that framework. Frankly, having a relationship with her at this time would be, not detrimental, which is the first word that came to mind, but definitely a hindrance or perhaps a draw from attentions I should be focusing at other endeavors. My previous worries about not being worthy of her in the long run still manifest to me in times of reflection and in ways it is true. I couldn't provide much to a committed relationship right now if she were so inclined. In turn she wouldn't be able to provide much on her end being consumed by her college life. Again, this is expected and I think this is all made easier by my apparent immediate appraisal and acceptance of evident truths. Namely, she is young, in college, four hours away, consumed by college life (parties, boys, school work, etc.) and wouldn't be much of a companion to my current life situations. In my struggle to grow up and accept hard truths about myself I couldn't in good conscience drag her along through that mud, the same mud that's been keeping me dirty for years now. Despite my desire to be with a companion of her caliber, as attractive, sweet and affectionate she can be, trying to force/expect/hope for something with her is a losing notion. It's almost a waste of mental capacity to even entertain the idea, which is why I haven't caught myself reminiscing too much or even ruminating on her at all. The only pain I've felt is her lack of communication which is disparaging. On the side of things where people deem me a great guy so she'd be so lucky, I don't subscribe to that. No amount of intrinsic merit, true or otherwise, outweighs hard realities. She is in a place in her life where she will be consumed by school and the comings and goings of being an early twenty something, where I am a struggling almost thirty year old with nothing to show for life aside from a "great" personality. With no means to provide for myself materially, which is fleeting yet necessary, I shouldn't try to convince myself I could or should even begin a relationship of short term or longevity anytime soon. These are the same limitations I put upon myself at the beginning of the year when I had my epiphany regarding my old need for solace provided by a female companion. Since those old ties were severed and my mind finally changed for the better regarding that limitation, I have and should continue to stick to my previous goals. Namely, finish my novel manuscript draft, attempt to improve my skills and get published. Alongside that goal, I need to become financially stable as I knew only a few short years ago. My years of strife and loss have made drastic changes to my mind and my strength of will. All these changes, small or severe have also strengthened me to dismiss such lofty dreams of being with a young beautiful girl for more than a fleeting moment. I gained a lot from the experience and learned more about myself and what I'm willing to put up with and go through for the sake of my happiness. I do miss our interactions, that is true and I will hold her affections as a benchmark for the future. Other than that I don't have much else to say. However, I know this all might change, to my detriment, if she were to come around in the next few weeks, asking for my companionship. If the first two weeks are indeed a fluke and she actually wishes for something more, I will have to converse with her about the limitations I see and the goals we'd have to set. To know her level of commitment is my first and only requirement of this. If it is as fleeting as I suspect, although I have felt differently on occasion about that precise thing I can't tell heads or tails of it, if it is fleeting then there will be a clear dismissal of future plans outright and in the open. I think that is why for now I'm taking things as they come but having more of the stance that things are unofficially over and nothing more will come of it. The previous mental gymnastics I would subject myself to are also absent which I am thankful for. As I've said before during this courting, only time will tell.