Its too early to be reading books about religion.

Sitting in the dark that consumes me, I have learned news that I will remain single for a while longer. The prospect I had has fallen away from me. I'm upset of course but I need to realize that these things happen. I just need to concentrate on something else. Not girls. Even though right now I really want and feel like I need a girlfriend. I'd love to have that companionship. I miss it. I miss my ex in a way. Even thought she wouldn't approve of the life I'm leading right now. However, I'll probably still try to date someone. I hate how lonely I feel. I want someone to like me the way I like them. Is it so hard to get that? I guess so.

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean Lost.

Finals are next week. I'm stressing about it a lot! With only three classes I should do just fine, but I still haven't learned how to prioritize my life. Call of Duty takes up too much time and so does spending time with friends or trying to woo girls. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of problems I can't seem to end. And my grades are slipping. I think I might actually fail Survey of Film this Quarter. You know what, it seems that I fail one class every quarter. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF because of it.

Other problems I've had to deal with:
-I was voted Video Club President for next quarter and I just hope I can make this next installment even better. With the help of my friends I should do just fine.
-Girls are a pain as usual.
-I'm afraid of the future and If I'll succeed.
GAAAAHHHH! Plus my friends are stressing me out. I feel like I'm loosing one friend when I spend time with another. And some friends are acting differently now then they did when we first became friends. I need to escape from this for a long time clear my head then maybe I can tackle my life the way it needs to be done.

If we built a bridge to the moon would there be space trolls?

If you are wondering what I mean by "Desperation will be the death of me." I'll tell you just that. When you make a decision out of desperation you are taking the low road, the easy path, the way that is not good for your well being. You know why I say this? I've made two desperate moves when it comes to girls and I was presented with another this night. Needless to say it was a wake up call, telling me to WATCH WHO THE FUCK I FLIRT WITH!

Thank you Hindsight, that you reached my mental doorstep at this point and that thankfully said "Desperate Move" isn't looking for a relationship. Now not too sound too harsh on the girl she is attractive physically. Pretty face, nice body, cute smile. However, now this is her utter downfall for without this huge flaw she wouldn't be considered a "Desperate Move" in my book, she is a huge Huge HUGE Bitch. She has a serious attitude problem and explodes when she doesn't get her way. And then bitches about how people give her flak. I mean come on, if you are a bitch we will treat you like one, call you one under our breath and in general have a negative outlook towards you. So hopefully I can avoid this "Desperate Move", but knowing me and my desperate Desperation, this "Desperate Move" will become ex "Desperate Move" by the end of the year, if she does so decide to seek a relationship with me.

Now these past statements lead to this next statement about myself. "I try too fucking hard." Boy ain't it the truth. If this statement wasn't true then the first one probably wouldn't be either. Trying too hard and being rejected leads to desperation brought on by loneliness. Something I need to work on the next few months me thinks. Wish me luck.

Good Morning To You My Dear

If I were to wake up tomorrow and have my life be anyway I wanted I think I'd make it to where I had my Heart Unbroken. I'd have the girl I love with me, and we'd be happy. Every time I fall asleep I wish to wake up to that life. So far It hasn't happened.

Perhaps being a Hopeless dreamer is bad for my mental well being.

But being who I am, I will never stop dreaming. Dreaming of worlds that may never exist. But at least I have my outlet of writing. Perhaps I will write a short story about a man that does just what I stated earlier. Falling asleep in one life and awaking in another dream that he made for himself. At first becoming happier, then sadder as each happy moment passes him by. He jumps from one dream of Happiness looking for his true Joy. Losing it when he falls asleep again. Only to wish he never started being transported in the first place.

Life is hard but so is everything.

I've seen love die........ When it deserved to be alive.

Waiting for the phone call that will probably decide whether or not I will continue to work in Kentucky I wallow in self pity. Now these thoughts stem from my very vivid past. My memory might be absent at times but when it comes to emotional high and low roads I will never forget. Listening to Versaemerge calms me. I don't know what it is about a female singer but it changes my opinion on girls. I don't abhor them when I listen to them sing, unless they are horrible, but that's beside the point. Now back to what I was saying originally, Thoughts of the past have been haunting me for the past week or so. Memories of my most prominent Ex. When I think on her and what we had I'm reminded of great times, companionship, and love. But when I remember how things are now, I start to feel down. The first girl I've ever loved is gone from my life. Before you think it, she isn't dead. She just lacks the willpower to keep me in her life. She needs boundaries from me at any cost so she won't ever be my friend.

Personally I think she is being influenced heavily on someone I like to call the Fat Bitch. Now that might seem harsh to you but to me Its not even the worst thing I could think of. This "woman" if you want to call her that, cut the love of my life out of said life. Now I can't even have a conversation with my Ex without her saying, "I can't do this, I don't hold hard feelings, I just can't be friends with you." Now, we all know Boys and Men still have emotions and get hurt. This statement hurt me to my core. Being the first and so far the only girl I've loved, having her say that to me broke me a little.

To my dismay, my imagination and crazy wishful thinking won't let me let her go. Just yesterday I thought about what my life would be like with her still in my life visiting me at my apartment. Along with this frustration, my heart wants to much and thinks that my Ex is the only girl that will make me happy. To it there is no one else better than her, or that will ever take her place in my life.

Trying to find love in this crazy world is like trying to find a needle in a haystack the size of Alaska. Maybe my movie lovers mind will get the story it wants or I'll die without my happy ending. Either way you look at it its life. And Life sometimes isn't worth the time we so desperately put into it.