Floating. Drowning.

All the paths that had been set out before me have been swept away in the wind. My heart aches at the thought of them and the futures they might have held. That's been my problem though, hoping on the future when it's never certain.

What else is there to live for though? I long for a purpose that will drive me to my grave, in a good way. Something that will keep me alive and keep me driven. I'm too young to think it's over. Not like there is a list of things that need be accomplished before death, but one must wish to accomplish something instead of forfeiting life.

It is cruel that the ones with no ambition or vision are given longevity and those who probably have hopes and the will power are snuffed out.

When I think about what I've accomplished thus far it doesn't bring me joy. It makes me feel like I'm lacking something.

So I finished a draft of my book and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like as though I'm delaying the inevitable. Procrastinating the end, putting it off while I do other things so I won't have to give up and say, "Okay, that's it, it's over."

Before I would use my weekly goals as a way to keep myself alive because I needed to break past the darkness in my life. I started taking medication, I started doing the things I had been putting off, I started attempting to be happy. But now, I feel as if it's all hollow. Not leading towards anything.

I'm brought back to the grand question for us all.

What's the point of it all?

I've recorded music; so what?
I've completed stories; so what?
I've loved; so what?
What does it matter? Does it even matter to me? Seeing as how my outlook is the barometer of these answers. Why should I keep trucking along?

It all comes back to things somehow ending badly. Relationships blowing up and plans getting erased or failing. I'm lost.

Even with the meds, I'm lost, watching the tide wither me away. That's probably why I wish I'd escape in my sleep. Turn off the lights upstairs and board up shop. As the cold of nothingness takes me.

In Perfect Hindsight

Self-worth is an easy enough word to define. It's pretty much self explanatory. But what do you do when you have none? What do you do when it's all gone, or never was there to begin with?

Do you just let people use you? Do you hold onto stupid lies that make you feel happy? Do you lie to yourself to make it seem things aren't as bad as they seem?

If you're like me then it's a resounding yes. Holy shit, yes. When you have no self-worth people walk all over you, but you think you're not worthy of better treatment. When you have no self-worth you take what you can get from others, even when it's bullshit and lies. When you have no self-worth you hate yourself for wanting things that hurt you, just because they are right in front of your face.

I have no self-worth.

I let you use me for your selfish needs, time and time again. I let your lies embed themselves within me, making me feel they were all I was good for. I let myself repeat this cycle.

I have no self-worth.

I don't know when to say enough is enough, I need better for myself. I don't know when to walk away from a relationship that is killing me from the inside. I don't know how to open my eyes and see the wrong as it's coming straight for me.

I have no self-worth.

The past repeated itself tonight. I was fool enough to let it happen. The past has been repeating itself for years. I was stupid enough to think I was better. The past will continue to repeat itself.

I. have. no. self. worth.