In Retrospect pt. 2

A year ago today, I spoke of love with secret lips. Wondering what it would be like if I could sweep you off your feet and out of your bad situation to show you a better world that included me. I wondered if it was wrong to tell someone you loved them if they weren't alone.

For you...I'm glad I did.

Since that time, there have been many nights of silent longing, hopeful wanting, pain from distance, silence and repentance, intimacy and connection. I've kissed your lips, like I said I would, loved you like I promised I might, and thought of you with open heart and open mind.

It's been a long year from "just so you know, it's you" to where we are now. A long year of love and pain and strife. A long year, that I wasn't sure would end here.

It's not hard to reiterate these feelings for they have been strong and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it by now. But an anniversary such as this should be cited, even if it doesn't mean much in the long run.

A year ago we weren't much, just friends talking about a fantasy future, conversations where I made you blush and wish for me never to stop.

Now things are a little different.

We tried our hand at something and it wasn't what we had planned, but we both got something out that I think we needed. In a different life it would have been all the things we wished and hoped and dreamed it would or could be, but here we got what we did. and that's okay.

I got to be with you, which is what I wanted. I just hope you got what you wanted as well.

A year from now things will likely be starkly different. Whether that means we are more or less than we are at this moment I can't say. I do know that things will undoubtedly change as they always do. It changed from being nothing to something, so it will change again.

Here's to another year.

Searching

Belonging begins within.

Everything will be fine in the end.

Rewind

I often think about the end of time. I try to imagine what it would look like to stand at the edge of existence. I see a wall that shimmers like black water on a starlight night. I touch it and its cold but I feel nothing on my fingertips.

Will there be eyes to see at the end of time? I doubt it. Whatever that end looks like there won't be a witness to it, save the celestial bodies floating in negative space inching ever closer to their nonexistence.

I often think about the nature of time itself. I try to imagine that no choices matter as we progress down this track. In this life then becomes a series of pictures playing slowly before our eyes. No motion from our bodies make the pictures change, no outside force pulls at these strings.

What then do we do in the meantime?

Drift slowly down the river...

I touch the black waters, twinkling with the light of a million stars. My hand is cold. What does it mean?

an authors gift

in every word

in every line

in every picture painted

between the pages

you will live forever

let me sleep a little longer

I had a dream about a girl that lasted longer than any dream I've ever had before. I want to write her a letter to let her know what I'm feeling, now that the dreams over and I'm waking from sleeping.

Dear Dream Girl,
How are you today? I'm still wiping the sleep from my eyes as I write this. I'm trying not to brush it off too quickly lest I wake up completely and lose the dream. Do you think dreams get stored in the back of our heads? Or disappear like shadows at noon? I like to think a copy is made, a back up for a rainy day, when we need to remember the great things we see, when we're away in sleep.

I wish to recall you in all your magnificent ways. This dream was unlike any other I've ever had. You had me from the day I held you in my hands when the rain began to pour from your eyes. How could a girl so beautiful be in so much pain? I wondered. And being the person I am I couldn't leave you unattended and uncared for. Little did I know that one moment would shape the rest of a beautiful nights sleep.

I held your hand in my hand, spent a little too much time getting lost in your eyes, smelled nothing but the scent of your hair, and felt your breath escaping as you pulled me closer to your chest.

The heart of my hearts longed for you when you were at a distance and yearned for you when the days grew long. You became my comfort and my curse, being the light to my darkness but like the story of Icarus, I got burned when I got too close.

But how could one not long for that bright warmth? The light in your hair, the light in your eyes, the light in your smile, the light in your heart, that you too often failed to conceal. But oh did you try.

From the start I felt as if I was at a disadvantage. Not quite sure I was the dream you wanted to be having yourself. The fear of doubt and the hope of love kept me going up and down on this rollercoaster. A rollercoaster I never wanted to get off, no matter how much the fear got to me.

Those small glimpses into your heart made me whole again however, and it kept me going when the darkness appeared. At some points I was afraid my dream would turn to nightmares but that was my own doubt not the truth.

You were the piece I was missing, a complimentary part. We had our differences but that didn't kill our spark. I loved you unconditionally, as it's the only way I knew how. And you loved me though you weren't sure if it would work out.

Now that I'm awake I wish I was still asleep, being able to slow down and rewind through all the memories. Though dreams tend to fade I know I'll hold on:

To the time we first kissed.
The feel of your hand in mine.
The taste of your lips.
The breath that I stole.
The eyes that I longed to fall into.
To your smile and your tears.
To the night we shared under the stars.
To the laughter.
To the fear of losing you.
To the bed that we shared.
When I held my breath.
To the love in my heart.
To the girl of my dreams.

You are something special. You grew more beautiful to me in each passing moment. I wanted nothing but you and I hope that you know it. If I could I would fall asleep forever, to have you with me, in my arms, sleeping softly together. I wanted the world and you gave me your heart. Which is bigger than I could ever expected, I'm glad I can still hold a part.

You're the girl of my dreams, no one can compare.

I love you more than words can describe. No poetry could express the feeling in my heart. The pain, the longing, the fear, and the love.

I'm glad I had this dream, I'm glad it was you and me. I'm glad that you were happy that you fell for a guy like me. I'm glad I could show you a side you couldn't clearly see. That you're worth someone's love and can be anything. You're still growing and have yet to peak, you've got mountains to climb to be the best you can be. I hoped you'd need a companion, I hoped it'd be me. But you're on your own journey, this I can see. So I'll love you from here, in my room in the dark. Hoping and praying for a new dream to start. A dream where you walk up to me and say "I'm ready for this. Don't you dare ever doubt, the love in my heart, and the path we've laid out."

I love you dream girl. I hope I'm not overstating. These hands will be here to hold you, they're not tired from waiting.

This is the end of the letter. I hope you remember, all the moments we shared, all the time spent together.

Love, the boy who fell for you.

P.S. People fall in love in mysterious ways, and I fell in love with my dream.

love.

I'd rather stay asleep in this dream,
with its ups and its downs.
The pain and the joy
and the love and the frowns.
Than to wake up in my room
all alone in the dark.
Having never known your warmth
or your touch
or your kiss
or your heart.