If this is love, I would run far, run fast from me..........

With Olivia out of the picture I've set my sights away from North Carolina and have decided that I'm going to stay in Kentucky.

Josh Powers and I are working on getting a place somewhere. And I will probably be going to NKU in the fall of 2011 for English/Physics. It should pan out fairly well if I can get a job that will support living in an apt in Fort Mitchell. But from here it looks good.

In other news Tony, TJ, and I have created renaissance and Steampunk characters.

I'm Monty the Mechanic, or the Engineer for Steampunk and Monty the Blacksmith for the Renaissance. I really like the fact that I'm trying to portray a mechanic since It's something I'm not in real life.

The three of us have got into it really heavy lately. Coming up with an entire back story of our characters. And giving us a quest in which to live.

In short Kael (Tony), Lucious (TJ), and I (Monty) are on a quest to find and rescue my older brother who has been kidnapped for his extraordinary Mechanical ability.

Its pretty basic right now and we are adding new characters all the time. Its really fun.

Also in my life right now.

My car is still broken and I plan to get it fixed over the weekend. Matt and Teague still needs alot of work. I recently got the new Emarosa cd. and I LOVE IT!!!! Jonny Craig you cannot fail me. I need to go to the doctor and the dentist for routine check ups. And I have a sudden urge to write something but I don't know what. I'll keep you in the loop.

Mead outside muthafucka! eh not as funny as Peter Chao.

Say you'll love me either way.....

So I think I'm that rebound guy. As far as I can remember I haven't dated a girl that wasn't still in rebound mode.

Sam just got out of an engagement. Hannah was about to go back to Kevin. Nikki was dating some weird guy. And I don't even care to remember Lilli's situation cause she was crazy.

Oh and Olivia. She had broken up with her boyfriend five days before I met her. FIVE DAYS!

RED FUCKING FLAG MATT MEAD GOD DAMN!

What is it about me that attracts girls on the rebound? Is it because I'm the nice guy? The kinda cute harmless guy?

I'm not sure but it works for whoever needs me for two months, a month, a week, or three days. Depending.

But what should I expect? I alienate girls against me all the time. I don't know when to stop talking. I'm just the desperate romantic that gets excited when a girl accepts a friend request on facebook.

I'm literally pathetic. Wow, I can't believe how far down I've traveled after the whole NC encounter. I dove face first into the dream future I created with what I had down there. I realized too late that it was just a dream and I landed face first into reality so hard I didn't really have the time to take the normal steps witnessed from a failed relationship, or failed attempt at a future relationship.

I didn't break down, feel sorry for myself. I put myself in rebound mode.

But here is the paradox.

A Rebound guy can't go on the Rebound. Especially me. I have such high standards. I can't actually be around MY rebound pool. Because with a rebound pool you lower your standards and take someone that you know won't hurt you because they are usually so desperate they will try their hardest not to hurt the person.

Since I'm in the general rebound pool MY rebound pool is even lower still. It would hurt my pride and my ego to date someone from my rebound pool, if that even exists.

So far I can't tell what kind of girls I attract because all my ex's and Olivia are so different I can't make a generalization on what type of girl I should go after or try to look for.

And I know, I shouldn't LOOK but hey I'm a lonely person that thrives on that kind of attention. Of course I'm going to spend time looking for that which I feel I need. So that old saying, "You'll find someone when You're not looking" just doesn't work for me.

However, being a rebound guy, as I feel I am, I can't ever get a legitimate relationship. Because girls on the rebound use rebound guys as a soft transition either into single life or another more legitimate relationship with someone more in their range. Someone more suited for longevity. Be it related to personal belief, proximity, or just because they need someone they actually like enough to be in a relationship with.

Not to say Hannah wasn't a real relationship to me. But hey she broke up with me, TWICE. So someone didn't want this to go any further.

I just feel that I look in the wrong places. I go after girls that want to be single. Girls that just want to be my friend. Girls that I know have no feelings for me whatsoever. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

I want to quit looking and just worry about more important things.

I just want that person to talk to. That person I care about and that I know cares about me, and only me.

"Well I'm about to spend my cold life cutting corners and placing blame. Any moment this could catch fire erasing all the stains. So here's to starting over. We could be the same, we'll change it all together."- Jonny Craig, Emarosa

Tell all my friends that I'm dead.

I looked at some pictures today that some friends posted on facebook. They were pictures of a girl I knew in highschool's wedding. Alot of people in attendance were people I considered friends in highschool but that I don't really talk to anymore. One being an ex. One being a girl I considered my best friend of the female persuasion. And others that I would make laugh and vice versa.

We all make choices that effect the lives we will lead. We lose out on certain situations that define our friends lives. We lose friends and gain new ones. We move to new places and lose opportunities in other places. We grow up even when we really don't want to.

I'm headed for a cross roads in my life. I have so many choices ahead of me and I'm not sure which path to take. I could possibly go to four different colleges in two different states. I could live with different people and be closer to or farther from certain people I consider important in my life.

The stress is getting to me and I don't know which path will make me happy or will be what I want to do in the long run. I don't really want to pick one and then change my mind half way through. But as it gets closer to the end of the year that choice looks more and more reasonable even though on the inside I don't want to do that.

Ultimately my choices effect me and me alone. I just wish I could make all the choices. Split myself into four and go to every place at the same time. Go to the AI Charlotte, Go to App State, Go to NKU, and Go to EKU all at the same time so I can cover all bases. This is impossible however.

Recently though the choice to go to North Carolina has been slowly becoming less and less what I want. My original plans that I had in mind in June after I visited are gone out the window. Nothing fell into place like I wanted and I don't really want to head there now.

Some people might get upset at this, me for one, but my heart isn't in this idea as much has it had been. I felt down to my bones that it was what I was supposed to do. Now I feel like it would be a wasted venture. More and more I think on it I don't think I'm ready to leave all my friends behind for something that could possibly fail horribly.

I need to think more on the choices I need to make. Give me any advice. It is always greatly appreciated.