The First of Many

You know how I picture it:

I see you from across a room and we lock eyes. Time stops. All the past moments of dreaming and wishing has led to this point.

We move across the room to each other nonchalantly but inside we're bursting at the seams. Within arms reach we hesitate, not because we're unsure, but because we know to anyone around It'd seem out of the blue.

We kiss and It's like a movie, you know when the camera swings around the two as they embrace. That's how I see it.

We pull away and you're crying tears of joy and I'm holding back my own.

That's how I imagine our first kiss.

The Winding Road

It started out with a few soft words whispered between you and I, now it's become something else.

When I close my eyes I see your face and I hear your voice. I long for your warmth and the chance to hold you in my arms. I've kissed your lips in dreams and felt a rush of love I can't describe.

My heart aches from the feeling. I don't know where this will lead, what the future will hold. Should I succumb to the opportunity and return to the woods or stay away, not even I can imagine.

Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I'll still think of you and love you from here. In this place where I don't feel home, where I feel alone. Should the future not grant this, that's fine. At least we can still meet in dreams.

Life is complicated and love even more so. But I still love you, no matter how hard it gets.

Cryptic IV

Inside my mind

Losing all my sight
Out of money
Voice is fading
Enjoying the night

Make me sing
Instill some sense in me
Sell my soul for cheap
Send me 6ft deep

Be all you can for me
.

If I Should Fail...

If I should fail...

...at being in love, I know my solitude will greet me with open arms.

If I should fail...

...at my hopes and dreams, I know my friends will be there to help me up.

If I should fail...

...at the next risk in my life, I know that my family will hold me tight.

If I should fail...

...I'll be alright, I'll find my footing, I'll keep my head high.

If I should fail...

...I won't forget, many have failed before me, before they finally succeeded.

If I should fail...

...it isn't the end, and I shouldn't forget to attempt it again.

If I should fail...

....I don't think I will. 

Swimming Against the Current

If I could understand the motives behind my actions then I could find a better way to fulfill those motives.

There is a reason I do these things and I'll figure it out one day.

I wish to live

I see what's in front of me yet I hesitate to grasp it. This type of thinking and action has burned me before, not planning, not thinking of the real long term consequences, only fixated on the immediate.

The ever present looming shadow of death urges me to grasp every opportunity that comes along lest I miss out on all such things waiting in thought or planning.

I want to jump ship and swim to shore, since that is immediate and fulfilling to my romanticism of actions but what will I do ashore? What if the thing that enticed me to weather the surf was for naught or was different entirely, I just couldn't see it through the mists?

That's part of the thrill I suppose, the all or nothing factor embedded in such things. The island holds no certainty, only possibility. Whether or not I can find them or fulfill them is up to me and the chance of life.

Should I then only swim to shore when I know it's a sure thing? Or wait for my proverbial ship to get to port.

Waiting hurts me however, and I wish never to wait for things to happen. It makes me feel mediocre in practice, "taking the safe road" as it were.

My soul is invigorated by the possibility of failure and the opportunity to grow. Since these actions of uncertainty entail at least that conclusion. I will grow from the experience. I will break new ground in my own life and see islands uncharted by myself thus far.

The fear that I feel stems mostly from the backlash I'll endure if I ever have to swim back to the ship. Returning to safety to lick my wounds from a failed venture or even a temporary one that isn't deemed suited for a productive life.

That is the crux of it all I think. The main reason why I dare to swim to shore in the first place. Being a placid passenger on the ship of life and following the path of others before me simply because that's how life "needs to be lived".

"Get a job. Pay your dues. Settle down." - slow down. take life for granted.

"You can't do that, that's not responsible." - I didn't achieve much because of my actions, but I see this as normal.

"Grow up." - stop floundering. You need to do as we have done.

If growing up means to latch myself to your views of life then I will stay young. I will find and swim to as many shores as I can or need to before I find my own paradise or at the very least the strength to not have to swim back to the ship.

I want to one day reach the sand turn back and see the ship disappear over the horizon knowing that I've finally found my home or again at least my own feet to keep me moving towards something new.

Currently I'm looking for my next island adventure. I have my sights set on a few but I'm afraid my fears are holding me back once again. You can only hear these things long enough before they break you down into submission.

Two questions keep playing in my mind as I ponder what to do next - What will bring me the most happiness over the longest period of time? and What can I do to benefit those I care about most?

How best to answer those questions I'm still trying to find out. Weighing the options before me but feeling the pull of the islands within reach.

What should I do?

Purple

"I've been here before." Clark whispered as he turned to look over his shoulder. To a passerby he would seem to be checking the world behind him as the motion illustrates but in his mind Clark was looking back in time, through his own past trying to discern where the feeling of nostalgia had come from. He felt it warm his chest and send shivers down his spine, so he thought hard to remember why. And it all flashed back. 

It was 1996, almost ten years ago now. He and his girlfriend at the time, Marie, were walking out of the Stop and Shop drinking slushies. It was the end of their first date, one day after school and she had made a point of stopping there specifically for their slushies. 

"They're the best in town." she had exclaimed. 

Back on the side walk, Clark had blue lips and she had red, he stopped and she turned to see him standing there waiting for something. Sliding back slowly to be less than a foot away she asked, "What's wrong?" 

"Want to make purple?" Clark asked. The question's randomness threw her for a loop but with a half smile she said yes anyway. Clark leaned forward and attempted to kiss her. In his abruptness he kissed half of her mouth and almost fell over. She laughed and corrected him to try again. 

"Here, like this." She kissed him back and added her tongue into the mix. He could taste the cherry slushie still in her mouth and the cold on her tongue from the ice. She pulled away and Clark could see blue on her lips mixing with the red. 

"That's how you make purple." 

Clark turned forward again, having deciphered the meaning behind the nostalgia and touched his lips, almost positive the taste from then was back in his mouth. He smiled and turned towards the Stop and Shop and bought a slushie, half blue, half red. 

don't wake me yet

my shirt

your warmth

the couch

sound sleep

soft breath

dreamscape

Most Dangerous Game

i want to be in your arms
i long to place my head on your chest
to feel it rise with every breath
hearing your heart beat
feeling your fingers run through my hair
i wish i was there with you...

....i wish i was there in your room.

Don't Turn Around

I'm searching for something I can't find, something I can't fathom or explain. A feeling from my youth. A fleeting sense that existed in my chest. A memory of things that used to be that I can't find again no matter how hard I look. In the sounds of sad songs, or the eyes of another. I can't find the feeling I lost when my innocence left me. It was gradual, nothing I could help from happening. You don't know its gone until you look for it in your reflection, noticing the light in your eyes has died.

I spend my days hoping I'll find some semblance of my old self, the parts I miss not the ones I chose to kill. The parts that died; collateral damage of growing up. I see pieces of what I yearn for in fleeting moments wishing they'd stay for longer than a second but they disappear as fast as they come. A pressure in my chest reminds me of the way things used to be. The pleasure I used to find in simple things persists but it hides in the darkness of how much I've grown. The shadow of experience has hidden the things I used to love or take solace in.

Nostalgia pulls me down and back to them. The smell of a video store, 5 p.m. in my bedroom with the TV on, weekends with friends, drives in my mom's car with the radio on, staying up late on Friday nights, talking to a girl in the hallway, wishing to be more than I was.

The sound of an old song brings me back to them. The pain and pleasure of those emotions flood me. Hoping for the past while I waste away in the present. What should I do to affect this for my betterment?

I can't help but miss those things.

decaying at 18 by shinigami (ft. supachefm)

In Your Eyes

The night was unseasonably cool, 10 degrees warmer than normal, but still cold enough to warrant a jacket and a scarf. Jamie wore a red and black scarf, knitted by her grandmother twenty years ago. Geoff just had on his brothers hand me down pea coat, but he was warm enough. He and Jamie, along with her friends were standing on the street waiting to get in the bar they’d spend the countdown in. It was almost the new year and it was the first time Geoff would spend it in New York city. It was about five blocks up from Times Square which was already packed to the brim. They had decided on the train ride from Connecticut that they’d avoid the massive crowd and instead find a bar. The one they found was already getting packed, so they had to push their way in. Luckily a small pocket opened when a similar sized group shifted from a booth to the smoking area in back. Geoff, Jamie, Ben, (Jamie’s boyfriend), and Sarah and Tyler (Jamie’s friends), made their way to the booth securing a rather cozy spot to spend the night reminiscing on the past few months and the year as a whole. Geoff recounted to Jamie’s friends how they had met at the retreat and spoke of his recent move to New England, but ultimately letting the conversation drift wherever it pleased.

                As the hours ticked by, (they arrived around 7pm hoping it was early enough to beat the crowd, they were wrong), people shifted, and the conversations rose and fell around them. Geoff wasn’t interested in the point of conversation, namely the topic of recent movies, but instead was transfixed by Jamie. They had been glorified pen pals for the past few months, until he moved up to Massachusetts, only ever seeing her in person all those months ago at the retreat. Now that he was finally with her here he was enthralled and couldn’t keep his eyes off her or the smile off his face.

                Like his phone read when she called, she was “the one”. And being with her again, finally it all came to have a greater meaning. A “solidification” of feelings if he had to describe it in a single word. The way she tossed her curls to the side when she talked or the way her eyes closed when she laughed. The way she danced in her seat when the music cut through the noise. All that Geoff saw made him fall in love with her, but she was at arm’s length sitting next to Ben, whom Geoff had just met that night. He knew of him from before of course but he always seemed like a distant actor in the intertwining narrative that was their friendship. As they sat together now Geoff felt a small pang of regret. Not at being unable to have Jamie for himself but for so blatantly pining for another man’s woman.

                He got up from the table after seeing them share a laugh, to get another drink, and distance himself from the regret. He seemed to slip away unnoticed in the confusion of the loud bar, as the others didn’t call for him to bring them something in return. As he got to the bar, squeezing himself between two people sharing air and saliva and a man almost passed out into his cup, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He tensed up feeling that he must have cut someone in the queue to get a drink. An apology was forming in his head as he turned to see not a perturbed patron but Jamie standing behind him. Her face was soft and slightly red from the drinks but still held a smile. It made Geoff’s face burn with lust to catch her eyes in that moment. They didn’t speak, content in just looking at each other and sharing a smile, as the bartender turned up the television. The broadcaster had started the minute countdown.

                Now in Geoff’s life there had been very few opportunities to fulfill the one act associated with New Years. The Kiss. The way things had turned out for him he’d always been single during the holiday and never around single women with whom would potentially oblige him. So, for 28 years, or let’s say 10, since this was only really a goal from about 17, Geoff had never been kissed on New Year’s. It was a little thing to miss out on, sure, but to have that connection for the few moments leading into the new year seemed to be exhilarating if at its core, arbitrary.

                As he stood staring at Jamie, listening to the countdown, he thought of two things. The first, that Jamie would realize it was about time for her to do such an act and return to Ben, the second, he wanted to kiss her himself, despite the earlier feelings of personal regret.

                Jamie turned from him to notice an influx of people around them, blocking her path back to the booth and she turned back to Geoff. He expected to see a look of defeat on her face but instead she still had the same smile….no, it was different somehow. It burned with the same feeling that Geoff had in him. He watched her eyes dance back and forth across his face. Her glistening gaze moving from his eyes to his lips to his chin to his hair, as if she were looking at him for the first time and searching for the perfect moment.

                They didn’t speak as they gazed at each other, inching closer, eyes and hearts ablaze, seizing this one moment to fulfill some deep desire. The countdown ticked away; 25, 24. Jamie grabbed Geoff’s arm and pulled him slightly closer. 19, 18. Geoff brushed her curls away from her cheek. 12, 11. Jamie intertwined her fingers in his. 5. He caressed her face. 4. She let out a soft breath. 3. He breathed her in. 2. They felt each other’s warmth. 1…

                Their lips touched as the room exploded in an uproarious “Happy New Year!”. Geoff felt his heart skip a beat. A new warmth shot through him that made him shudder. He felt her breath gasping between each longing kiss, kisses that seemed to make up for lost time. He didn’t want her lips to leave his. He had never felt fireworks from a kiss before, you know the fireworks they talk about in movies and books, that accompanied a first kiss. He never experienced it and he was afraid he’d been doing it wrong his whole life. It turned out it was just the wrong person each other time.

                A minute passed before they reluctantly separated. Geoff saw the same emotions running all through him on her face and in her eyes, when he finally opened his own. It was the best kiss he’d ever shared with another person and he couldn’t put it into words if he had to. He knew he wouldn’t though. The reverie continued around them as song broke out. Streamers were popped, champagne was opened, and the party continued but their moment had to end. The fleeting notions of lust and love and connection burned so fierce between them that Geoff was sure that if magic was real they would have burned the building down around them. But it had to end.

                Jamie touched Geoff’s face and smiled again, holding back a tear. She still didn’t speak for there was nothing for her to say. They had expressed everything in that last moment. No words need be said. But that moment didn’t change reality. Geoff knew it as well as Jamie. Things weren’t going to change for either of them from that expression. She had Ben and Geoff wasn’t going to take that away. Their window of opportunity, the innocence of a New Year’s Eve kiss, gave them more than any long relationship could birth. If only they could capture it in a bottle and pull it out every once and a while. If only they could come back to this point in time as the years go by and things get bad. If only…if only. 

This Feels Like Home

Geoff’s heart was calm, calmer than he could have ever predicted when her name flashed across his phone's screen. His mind read Jamie but the words typed in the little box next to her picture read “The One”. Now while she was no sooner his wife than her current boyfriend, she was something to him that he couldn’t put perfectly into words. In the simplest of terms, she was “the one”. He couldn’t tell you why or how he knew this but he felt it deep. Deeper than the scars that etched his heart from years of self-inflicted pain. Deeper than any hopeless fantasy could dig its dark claws. Deeper than he ever thought a person could be. She zipped right past lust and embedded herself deep within the flesh of his heart. Even though she was unattainable in the physical sense he still had her in his heart and in his mind and no one could take that from him. She had shone a light on his last spot of darkness to help him sweep it under the rug. The sad part is she’ll never know. She can guess how much he cares, hell he even said as much to her before but he won’t push. He’s never been a homewrecker and he didn’t plan on starting now. She deserved better than that. He was better than that too.

He simply smiled and accepted the call.

                “The move went well…I’ve been working almost nonstop for the past month and a half…Yes, we definitely need to meet up for lunch soon…I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner it’s been so hectic I just haven’t had the time to think about much more besides. I’ll send you my address after this okay?...No I’m just stopping in to get something to eat real quick, then back to work. I’ll talk to you later…Okay…Bye.” Geoff clicked the little red button that closed the connection, no not the whole connection just this short interaction. He knew in himself that this wasn’t the end but the beginning, for them both.

                He slid into his favorite seat at the bar of the diner. He had made it his after his first night being in town. The sights and sounds reminded him of a little place he used to eat back home…back home? No, he was home now. This was his home. He smiled at the thought and looked up without even paroosing the menu.

                “Hey Stacy, I’ll have the…”

                “The usual?” She asked with a smile, her pen already to the paper. Geoff’s smile returned with more light then he had felt a second ago. The kind of smile a man holds when he sees his wife sleeping in bed, the kind of smile a parent holds when their child succeeds, the kind of smile a person holds when they walk into their home after being gone their whole life. The smile of a happy man.

                “Yes, thank you.” Geoff looked out the window to the world moving around him and couldn’t imagine this place six months ago. He was glad he made it. He made it here. He made it home.