Walking Slowly

I'm just a person. Walking, talking, breathing, living, dying. This relationship we have built hasn't hit a wall. You are just too afraid to move forward from here. You have this doubt in your mind, that's unwarranted.

I'm almost done fighting for this, fighting for you. But what choice do I have? It's either this or nothing at all. Nothing more from me.

Walking down the wrong path leads to dark places.

I need not waste words on you. They would fall on apathetic ears, since they come from an apathetic mouth. I struggle to put these words down. Not out of pain from their meaning, but from a personal disdain. I have a  hatred burning inside me.

This hatred is at my own reflection. At who I am here and now. I fell down a hole and started leading a life I didn't want but can't escape. Where do I go to find peace? To find some semblance of happiness?
Where does the pain and fear stop, where can I be myself?

I miss who I was, I miss what I wanted from this life, I miss Matt Mead.

I miss.....


everyone I loved.

everything I dreamt of.

everything.


I miss me.

I'm sick like a sailor, lost at sea.

I'm tired of ex's and missing connections. I'm tired of trying so hard and nothing to show for it. I'm tired of feeling desperate and alone. I'm tired of the hate, for myself, of others. I'm tired of not working towards a goal.

Meaningless survival is just that, meaningless. Without purpose we cannot thrive. Without direction, we cannot succeed. Without support, we falter. Without love, we are lost. Without hope, we die.

I've never been an extremely motivated or dedicated person. But that little that did exist in me feels gone. The tiny flame that would burn through high winds and treacherous storms is waning.

Not much is left in me, but the air I breathe.

Maybe the force of will I once had isn't lost, maybe it is just hidden, afraid, waiting. I can't coax it into the light. Lead it away from darkness. It is lost inside me, not lost to me.

However I do fear if things don't change, it will not matter. I dread these days to come. I only hope that when the new sun rises, the warmth I once knew will ignite the flame inside me.

This endless rain in my soul is all but drowned me. Do I have the strength?

Do I have the will to survive?

Do I want to?

There once was....now there is not.

There is nothing left in me, but dust and memories.

There is no love left in my heart, only pain and suffering.

There is no thoughts left in my brain, only numbness and fear.

There is nothing left in me, not even a single tear.

Death of a salesman

Innocence kills me.

So two miles west, one mile north?

The hardest part about writing for me is getting from the beginning to the end. I have these pictures in my head of how I want it to go. I have the beginning, I have the middle and I have the end. But paving the road and making sure I go through all those stops without going down the scenic route is hard. Anyone that has written any sort of paper, fiction or non-fiction, knows what I mean.

It's not so much a creative block, it's more of a navigation problem. "I know where I need to go, I just don't really know the best way to get there." I could write down every detail, which would be the long way around. Or I could just jump from A to B to C as if they are five feet apart, but that is cheating and very bad writing.

It's a complicated journey, and since I'm writing the two stories on here, I'll release the names after I have three chapters each for them, I'd love feed back on the writing, on the story or your thoughts in general.

Olivia still loves M&Ms

I loved you. Once, but never again .

Memories never die

I compare and contrast myself to others. I see their faults and realize mine are more substantial. I lack focus and drive. I'm free floating and I can't see the ground.

Nothing keeps me grounded. Ambition and motivation elude me. I'm becoming the type of person I dreaded. Mediocre. Over the past four years I've spread myself thin. Kicked myself when I was down, and reached up at those that never helped me. I've also taken people for granted.

I focus on my flaws. I can't see both sides of the coin.

When nothing but the air in my lungs remains, what do I truly have?

Wash these hands clean, for inside I am dark as night.

My heart is full. Pain, dark water fills up the cracks. I call it pain. It reminds me I am alive. I wish to drain it. Replace it with light.

Light from your smile. It has the power to heal wounds and drive away demons. Demons that you create. You are my solace and my demise.

How can one be the creation and the destruction? Both sides of the coin. A duality that tears men's souls from their bosoms and drags them to hell.

I take no more comfort in your smile. It only drills a deeper hole in my heart. Slowy filling up, with dark water. Pain.

I'll drown in this tonight.

And we saw the death of intelligence....

A blog to me is a commentary on life. And here is mine.

We move too fast, try to "live" too much, try to hard too love, spend too much time waiting, rushing, and waiting again. We are too busy worrying about other peoples life that have no impact on ourselves. We talk shit, we waste money, we don't care about those that are unfortunate.

I see so much waste in life. So much time wasted, resources wasted, lives wasted. And for what? Prime time tv? Losing weight? Who's hot and who's not? "I'm better than you." Thinking?

No no no! This can't happen. We are the most advanced, most intelligent species on this planet! We should be advancing science, technology, healthcare! Eliminating problems like world hunger, world poverty, greed, and other man mad calamities.

We should be exploring space, the deep seas, and our dark forests, without harming that which we explore. We are capable of this! Yet our ambitions, our drive, our willpower falls to the wayside.

Thanks Jersey Shore. Thanks Kim Kardashian. Thanks Christianity. Thanks North American Government. Thanks Ignorance. And Thank you most of all, procrastination. You are killing this world, numbing the minds and starving the mouths of countless people.

I call for a vote of reform. This shit just ain't gonna fly no mo.

How the road does wind.....

Words escape my soul and fill the page. You take them in and see a world new from within. All my hopes and dreams laid forth, presented for all to see. Yet only a small few take the steps on this path I've paved.

When the last word drips from my heart, takes birth on the page and grows in your mind will I have succeeded in my quest. A creator only exists when his creation is known. Let my existence reign in your soul as it does in my own.

The pages flow together in a rhythm you haven't heard yet you recognize. It takes you in its warm embrace, holds you tighter and tighter still, until you can't let go. You realize you are the one grasping stronger.

This is the wish of any writer. This is the dream of any creator. This is the reality of only a select few. These are my hopes, these are my dreams, these are my little things that keep me going.

Let me create for you.

From my heart I give it all away.

When you said those words, my heart rearranged its pieces. It beat again but in a different rhythm, it followed the beat of yours.

The void has been filled.

Thank you.

Metal, a testimonial.

I hate how people dislike Metal music and call it "Noise". Isn't all music just noise? Noise that incites an emotional response?

"But metal doesn't incite a positive response! Its all about death and evil!" You might say that, but no you are wrong sir and/or madam.

For me and I assume a lot of other people that listen to Metal, or any heavy "core" genre have certain emotional responses.

I can experience, sadness, happiness, fear, anger, excitement, and a general sense of awesome all in a matter of two or three songs.

Metal isn't all about heavy riffs, sick solos and deep growling or high pitched screams. Its about sending a message, in the only way we know how. Through brutality.

So the next time you hear a beafy bass drop, a face melting guitar solo or an ear shattering scream, remember someone somewhere out there is happy because of it so quit hatin' bro. Or i'll be forced to roll up on you with my bros and mosh your fucking face off. :D

\mm/ metal for life.

Riddle me this.......

Just a little bit of words that came to me at work. I typed it out didn't make any changes to it.

As we speak, I'm fighting sleep, from all these words that you reap and so, i need to get away from you, can't keep my eyes open, my head loses focus. you will be the death of me or the start of a better dream. The room starts to fade your voice inflicts pain on me. i sleep to escape, i run from this place into the back of my mind. only your faint image remains a stain in my mind. i'll wash you away like the crashing of tides. a nightmare arises, this darkness remains. i can't rid myself of you even in the confines of my brain. I'll take two breaths tonight. one for you and one for me. may we all rest in peace. one for you, one for me. silence take me from this place.

Kinda dark I know. But when the words start to flow, all you can do is present them.