Cause and Effect

 the loss of inhibition

the absence of restraint

has quelled my anxiety

and filled me with a faint

feeling of contentment

a feeling i'm bereft

i wish I was more salient

in times outside of drink

Hold Me Tightly

I don't understand this lack of inspiration.
It's as if without the existence of strife, I have nothing to write about.
My old muses have died, for better or worse.
Now I'm looking for a new light to shine upon the path.

Pain has been extinguished.
Love has sprouted again.
Ghosts are still haunting.
I wish the dark would end.

Shallow Breathing

I'm not ready, I'm not willing to open up again. Let these words fall on the deafest of ears. I'm not ready to do this all again. I swear this is the end of me.

All the times past I saw signs.
Wishing I could be on time.
Grasping for your hands.
Losing all my friends.

Take a picture of all I've lost.
Place it inside a black box.
Never open it for my best looks are taking calls.

I'm not ready I'm not willing to start this all again. No exceptions I feel dead. I'm not ready for this happiness to happen again.

I'll never be ready.
I'll never be happy.
I'll never be over all this pain.

I'll never be steady.
I'll never be glad to be
In this hole with you.

Take notes of all my worries, please.
Let the wind out of these sheets.
Shake off this dust and let me be.
I'll never wake up, I'm lost at sea.

I'm not ready I'll not willing to open up again. My heart is weak and faltering. I'm not ready for this next day. I swear this is the end.

bedroom floor

shallow reasons
keep me breathing.
empty vessels,
time keeps ticking.

absent passions
hollow meaning.
grasping tightly
to lost feelings.

memories fade

i'm like a child
sleeping with my head
on my mother's lap.
the sun shining outside,
the wind calm, barely moving.

time has stood still
with my breath
coming slowly, evenly.
her fingers running through
my hair.

i drift between sleep
and being awake.
she whispers or hums
i can't tell the difference.
it's quiet and calm.

my heart beats slower and slower
as i drift away.
consumed by the moment,
the never ending calm,
the warmth of sleep surrounding me.

longing for this comfort
i drift between
reality and dreams.
wishing when i close my eyes
i open them to this scene.

dial tone

I miss you more than words can state.

I miss your laugh, your smile, your gaze, your touch.

I miss your hand in mine, your lips on my lips.

I miss you in my thoughts, in my dreams.

I miss you...plain and simple.

heart disease

i've been through this
a few times already,
wishing to hear from
someone
but also hoping
they keep their distance
until i'm ready.

taking my time
wading through memories,
sifting out the pain
for the reasons
i can't abandon hope
for what i wished was
destiny.

this will fade
like so many things do.
after long nights
and a drink or two.
we'll see each other
again, sooner or later.
where light always beams
at the end of my dreams.

it takes its toll

when I stop to think
even for a fleeting second,
the fears manifest
consuming me
faster than a rip tide.

i've lost more
than I ever imagined.
now I'm grasping
for a new normal,
that I can't seem to reach.

each new day brings
a new wave of tension,
brought on by the past
and it's losses.
i can't bear these crosses.

an authors gift

in every word

in every line

in every picture painted

between the pages

you will live forever

let me sleep a little longer

I had a dream about a girl that lasted longer than any dream I've ever had before. I want to write her a letter to let her know what I'm feeling, now that the dreams over and I'm waking from sleeping.

Dear Dream Girl,
How are you today? I'm still wiping the sleep from my eyes as I write this. I'm trying not to brush it off too quickly lest I wake up completely and lose the dream. Do you think dreams get stored in the back of our heads? Or disappear like shadows at noon? I like to think a copy is made, a back up for a rainy day, when we need to remember the great things we see, when we're away in sleep.

I wish to recall you in all your magnificent ways. This dream was unlike any other I've ever had. You had me from the day I held you in my hands when the rain began to pour from your eyes. How could a girl so beautiful be in so much pain? I wondered. And being the person I am I couldn't leave you unattended and uncared for. Little did I know that one moment would shape the rest of a beautiful nights sleep.

I held your hand in my hand, spent a little too much time getting lost in your eyes, smelled nothing but the scent of your hair, and felt your breath escaping as you pulled me closer to your chest.

The heart of my hearts longed for you when you were at a distance and yearned for you when the days grew long. You became my comfort and my curse, being the light to my darkness but like the story of Icarus, I got burned when I got too close.

But how could one not long for that bright warmth? The light in your hair, the light in your eyes, the light in your smile, the light in your heart, that you too often failed to conceal. But oh did you try.

From the start I felt as if I was at a disadvantage. Not quite sure I was the dream you wanted to be having yourself. The fear of doubt and the hope of love kept me going up and down on this rollercoaster. A rollercoaster I never wanted to get off, no matter how much the fear got to me.

Those small glimpses into your heart made me whole again however, and it kept me going when the darkness appeared. At some points I was afraid my dream would turn to nightmares but that was my own doubt not the truth.

You were the piece I was missing, a complimentary part. We had our differences but that didn't kill our spark. I loved you unconditionally, as it's the only way I knew how. And you loved me though you weren't sure if it would work out.

Now that I'm awake I wish I was still asleep, being able to slow down and rewind through all the memories. Though dreams tend to fade I know I'll hold on:

To the time we first kissed.
The feel of your hand in mine.
The taste of your lips.
The breath that I stole.
The eyes that I longed to fall into.
To your smile and your tears.
To the night we shared under the stars.
To the laughter.
To the fear of losing you.
To the bed that we shared.
When I held my breath.
To the love in my heart.
To the girl of my dreams.

You are something special. You grew more beautiful to me in each passing moment. I wanted nothing but you and I hope that you know it. If I could I would fall asleep forever, to have you with me, in my arms, sleeping softly together. I wanted the world and you gave me your heart. Which is bigger than I could ever expected, I'm glad I can still hold a part.

You're the girl of my dreams, no one can compare.

I love you more than words can describe. No poetry could express the feeling in my heart. The pain, the longing, the fear, and the love.

I'm glad I had this dream, I'm glad it was you and me. I'm glad that you were happy that you fell for a guy like me. I'm glad I could show you a side you couldn't clearly see. That you're worth someone's love and can be anything. You're still growing and have yet to peak, you've got mountains to climb to be the best you can be. I hoped you'd need a companion, I hoped it'd be me. But you're on your own journey, this I can see. So I'll love you from here, in my room in the dark. Hoping and praying for a new dream to start. A dream where you walk up to me and say "I'm ready for this. Don't you dare ever doubt, the love in my heart, and the path we've laid out."

I love you dream girl. I hope I'm not overstating. These hands will be here to hold you, they're not tired from waiting.

This is the end of the letter. I hope you remember, all the moments we shared, all the time spent together.

Love, the boy who fell for you.

P.S. People fall in love in mysterious ways, and I fell in love with my dream.

love.

I'd rather stay asleep in this dream,
with its ups and its downs.
The pain and the joy
and the love and the frowns.
Than to wake up in my room
all alone in the dark.
Having never known your warmth
or your touch
or your kiss
or your heart.

flannel & jeans

where i am
at this moment
here with you,
nowhere else
can compare

sleepy eyes

is it cliche to say
i like you most
at the beginning
of the day?

with sleep still in
your eyes
and dreams in
your mind?

nothing obscuring
your face,
all the lines
left in place?

holding on
to the warmth
from your bed.

desert sun

flowing white fabric
cascading over
your smooth skin
causes the breath
in me
to grow thin.

eyes look past
the surface,
they see all that
I can't hide. hands
fail to cover my
face. exposed
i fall into place.

home invasion

i killed a spider today...

...i regret it.

cracked ice

redeeming myself
through helping the helpless
i feel better.

this isn't
who i normally am.

shots

notes play slowly,
cascading through my bones,
bouncing through my soul,
reverberating alone.
your image flashes
here and there,
from time to time.
how i miss that smile.
how i miss that warmth.

the dim lights play
off your hair
and the sparkling waters.
willkommen zuhause.

summertime

your breath
my neck
the stars
our bed
long night
low light

your skin
my lips
no rush
just this

intrusive

thought about standing in front of a train today.

But I decided against it, I didn't want to inconvenience the technician.

the only two people out at 4 a.m. and I want to ruin their morning with my problems.

how selfish would i have been?

too selfish to contend with.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i didn't lie
when i said
i wanted to jerk
the wheel
towards the median.

i literally struggle
to keep my hands on
10 and 2
every morning.

once i pass the bridge though,
i know
i'm home free.

those ten miles before
though, they
frighten me.

notches

I'm playing the game by the old rules and rejecting the new.

I'm playing the game that no one I know plays anymore.

I'm playing away and getting nowhere near the finish line.

I'm playing a game that I wish I never knew how to play.