Let me sleep some more

i used to want to kill myself. then i wanted to die in my sleep. now while i would'nt mind the latter i want something new. now i want to ascend past the physical.

embracing the blowing wind one night before work, i paused and closed my eyes. trying to will my body to disintegrate and float away on the wind. escaping the monotony of life and becoming more than a mere physical body. being able to feel the ebb and flow.

i hate living because it seems so pointless, but i can't end it because i don't have a real reason to. it's just a feeling of boredom and disinterest.

i've analyzed the reasons for the existence of life and there isn't much substance to it. we are here just because we could be and we continue because it's life's one instinct.

move forward.

but without a greater purpose, which there is none, why go on?

i'm starting to feel disconnected with the others around me as time goes on. i think that's partially the meds i'm on and partially my altered disposition brought on by my current companions.

i wonder how many people contemplate the purpose of life? i wonder how many of those people go mad from those thoughts? i wonder how many of them take their own lives?

i know someone would try to argue a purpose but what might be purpose for them would not matter to me. i have no offspring for which i need to take care. which is the greatest driver of must animals. and i'm quite apathetic to the well being of others as it were. which at this very moment i'm not sure if that's true or just my mind saying this just to incite a sense of worthlessness to the world around me.

i'm often confused with how i feel. i'm often upset with how i feel. recently though i've been feeling sort of apathetic sort of stoic to everything. it's been nice.

i'm stuck with this problem of choices. do i try to improve? do i move forward? and to what purpose do i strive?

or do i kill myself and just forsake everyone and everything around me. seeing as how i see no point in moving forward other than for petty reasons.

i see no point in writing music, i see no point in writing my fiction, i see no point in courting, i see no point in reproducing.

maybe i'm missing the point and just thinking about this life thing too much. its simplicity is maddening.

i hope i die young.