June

June 1st 2005
                My grandfather Ron Rix just died last month. Tensions have been high because of it and things have changed. I'm trying to just live through this summer as any other 15 year old but things are hard. My dad and my stepmom fight a lot. My stepsister is always out and it's just my brother and I a lot of the time. Even though it's summer time I spend a lot of my time in my room playing on my PS2. I listen to the same CD's over and over and just let things go on. I'm not a fan of my dad's drinking and I don't think I'll ever drink. It's not me. I miss my friends from school. Hopefully I'll get to see them over the summer. I'll be a sophmore next year. My first year of high school was great! I got all A's for the first time ever! Maybe I can keep the trend going. And maybe finally I'll find a girlfriend. :)



June 1st 2006
              My dad won't stop hounding me about getting a job. I don't want one and I'm afraid of calling about getting one. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't even have a cellphone. :( Living in this apartment with my dad and brother is just draining me. Thankfully I have my myspace groups to keep me sane and I've finally started to get out of the house more now that I live closer to other people. I plan on going to Jacob's this weekend, if my dad will let me. Dad doesn't know but I found where he hid the modem and I use it when he leaves for work. Between group chats and random swimming I spend time looking at her page listening to her page song and just daydreaming about dating her. She's so beautiful. Mom's new place really sucks and I don't really like going there but I'm afraid for her so I go to keep her company even though I use that time to use her computer and take advantage of that stuff.

               I'm not sure things will ever get better since the fight. My dad and I have been at odds since that night last year. I'm afraid when I'm home and would wish to be anywhere but where he is. I hate him.



June 1st 2007
                Work sucks. I spend too much time dwelling on past failings with girls. My dad's failed relationships and fury just makes this new house seem like a cold jail cell. I've spent more time in this room than I did back when we lived on 491 I swear. Last two months It's just been School, Work, Sleep, Repeat. At least I have my journal, my CDs, and my computer (even though it doesn't have internet) to keep me together.
                 Suicide crosses my mind more often then I'd wish.



June 1st 2008
                 I love her. I know I do. It's been such a short amount of time, but I know I love her. I wish we had gone to prom together instead. Since I'm out of that shitty job finally I spend almost all my time with her. Finally being away from my father has helped too. My mom and I have been getting on well and having this girl I love around has done nothing but uplifted me. I can't wait until we're done with college. I want to marry this girl.


June 1st 2009
                I hate her. She used me. I hate college. I just want to quit and be with my friends, even though they smoke and drink I'd rather spend my time with them then be anywhere else. I want to quit more than just college. How do I get over this.


June 1st 2010
                A few more months and I'll be away from school. I miss her. I love my friends. Living away from home has actually been great but this school work is just getting to me. Maybe I'm not cut out for this? Or maybe I'm just thinking too hard. Hopefully after I visit my cousin this month I'll have a job opportunity. North Carolina here I come.


June 1st 2011
               DHL pays the bills, but I'm afraid when my debt from college starts to creep up on me. Hopefully though when I start NKU this fall they'll just get deferred for the next four years and I won't have to worry about them. This apartment is too small, and I can't wait to move out again.


June 1st 2012
               I want to kill myself. I want to die. I'm going to kill myself. I'm all alone in this apartment, no one would know for a while. I'll just slip away and no one will know.

June 1st 2013
              I think I play WOW too much again. :( But there ain't much shit to do when you work 3rd shift besides. Maybe I'll finish my book. Having this room and space to myself in my own rented house is just the peace of mine I need. But why do I feel so dark and alone. DHL isn't going to be my grave.

June 1st 2014
             I made a mistake getting close to you. I'm ripping myself apart. Work is draining me. I think there might be a dark entity in my room draining my life away. I just want to disappear into the shadows.


June 1st 2015
             I'm excited for the weekend. I'll get to see old friends and have some fun away from home. I'm convinced I will die alone with no family five years from now. I bounce back and forth from sanity to insanity, from apathy to self destruction. I drink more now than I ever have. It used to just be social now it's regular. I try to make it look like I'm becoming a connoisseur when in fact I just want to drink, like my father used to. Like what I used to hate. It took me ten years to become this. From "I'll never." to "whenever." I'm overweight and afraid. I still want to die as often as the sun rises. My book is slowly coming along but I'm not sure it will ever get finished. My band has released it's first album but i'm not sure much more will happen, especially with how bad I am now. There's only a light at the end of the road when you wish for there to be. I wish for the darkness of the abyss.