Waiting for the phone call that will probably decide whether or not I will continue to work in Kentucky I wallow in self pity. Now these thoughts stem from my very vivid past. My memory might be absent at times but when it comes to emotional high and low roads I will never forget. Listening to Versaemerge calms me. I don't know what it is about a female singer but it changes my opinion on girls. I don't abhor them when I listen to them sing, unless they are horrible, but that's beside the point. Now back to what I was saying originally, Thoughts of the past have been haunting me for the past week or so. Memories of my most prominent Ex. When I think on her and what we had I'm reminded of great times, companionship, and love. But when I remember how things are now, I start to feel down. The first girl I've ever loved is gone from my life. Before you think it, she isn't dead. She just lacks the willpower to keep me in her life. She needs boundaries from me at any cost so she won't ever be my friend.
Personally I think she is being influenced heavily on someone I like to call the Fat Bitch. Now that might seem harsh to you but to me Its not even the worst thing I could think of. This "woman" if you want to call her that, cut the love of my life out of said life. Now I can't even have a conversation with my Ex without her saying, "I can't do this, I don't hold hard feelings, I just can't be friends with you." Now, we all know Boys and Men still have emotions and get hurt. This statement hurt me to my core. Being the first and so far the only girl I've loved, having her say that to me broke me a little.
To my dismay, my imagination and crazy wishful thinking won't let me let her go. Just yesterday I thought about what my life would be like with her still in my life visiting me at my apartment. Along with this frustration, my heart wants to much and thinks that my Ex is the only girl that will make me happy. To it there is no one else better than her, or that will ever take her place in my life.
Trying to find love in this crazy world is like trying to find a needle in a haystack the size of Alaska. Maybe my movie lovers mind will get the story it wants or I'll die without my happy ending. Either way you look at it its life. And Life sometimes isn't worth the time we so desperately put into it.
I understand the feelings you are going through right now. I have had them and they have had me. Time is the only remedy for this sickness. But possibly closure with her might help. It sounds like she just up and left. Contacting her and asking to talk, not about relationship stuff, but just a friendly conversation could heal some deep pain. It helped me.
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