Men aren't supposed to cry.

When I was young and I used to cry I'm fairly certain I wished I wouldn't cry so easily or so much. I think I cursed myself. I just got finished crying for the first time in what feels like years but has actually been months. For so long I've felt numb and so long I've wanted to cry and let it all out like I used to when I was upset. 

I sat on my bed, after looking up some things online about being unable to cry, and just tried to think of things that have made me upset to the point of tears before. I immediately went to my father and how I used to hug him as a child. That didn't work like it had in the past so I pushed the subject in my mind. Going from that simple image to asking myself over and over and over "Why does my dad not love me?" 

I repeated it like a mantra. Like a hammer swing on the side of a wall about to break.

"Why does my dad not love me?" BANG!

"Why does my dad not love me?" BANG!

"Why does my dad not love me?!" BANG! 

Until the wall broke a little. A crack formed and a few tears formed in my eyes. I added that with the image of him hugging me, instead of me hugging him. A mental realization that I'm waiting for him to reenter my life, for him to make an effort. 

I cried, then it died down. I let the image change of us and it returned again. Then died down again. It repeated one more time then it stopped. The dam was rebuilt and the torrent of emotions held back by them laid dormant again. 

I hate having swells of anger. I hate feeling numb during the day. I hate not being able to cry. I hate everything.