Even now sitting here pondering on the future, thinking of you and all the possibilites I have in life, I wish for death. My mind slips from the now and the possible good future to a present where I pull a trigger and things go away.
It would be my final choice to make. I wouldn't have to wonder if I made a mistake because I wouldn't be allowed to make mistakes anymore. I'd finally be rid of the anxiety of "choice" and "doubt".
But isn't that what makes us human? Isn't that part of the experience we call life?
You're right I suppose but it's gotten harder and harder to see beyond the veil of darkness drapped over myself. I know in the past I've peeked beyond it and felt okay but each time I find myself enveloped deeper.
I wish to let it all pour out of me. I just can't seem to muster the flow of tears or the release of tensions. It builds up slowly and I can feel it wearing me down.
I wish I was all about something so I could make that my focus. I don't know what that is. I don't think anything has caught my attention so strongly that I wished to pursue it as a life's pursuit. I have my feeble ideas and my feeble hopes and dreams but none are sustained in the darkness. I'm not sure that they are meant to but I wish I felt strongly enough about something.
I've been wanting to figure out what to do with my shitty life for years now. Recently I met someone who is heading off to college soon and it made me want to go back. The problem now is figuring out, not only how to pay for it, but what to go for. What career do I want when I'm done? What do I want to do for the next ten or twenty years? What if I'm two years in and I've made another mistake? Or I have a big relapse in mental clarity and want to run away from everything again? What if I end up running in place as all the others around me move ahead? I think that would just make me want to end it even more. Feeling like I'm bolted to the floor as my friends and loved ones succeed, as I fail yet again.
I almost don't want to attempt it. That's what happened with the job in Maine. When it was first mentioned to me I was ready to take a flight up or drive up as soon as I got word of it. Then a week went by, then a month. I applied but had my reservations and now I want to retract it and act as if I was never interested. Why do I do that? Let my woes overshadow my happiness? My prospects of new life experience?
Why do I feel so sad but can't let it out in a healthy way? Why do I wish for the end when I've only just begun? Why can't I cry?
I feel lost and I don't know where to turn.
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