I see what's in front of me yet I hesitate to grasp it. This type of thinking and action has burned me before, not planning, not thinking of the real long term consequences, only fixated on the immediate.
The ever present looming shadow of death urges me to grasp every opportunity that comes along lest I miss out on all such things waiting in thought or planning.
I want to jump ship and swim to shore, since that is immediate and fulfilling to my romanticism of actions but what will I do ashore? What if the thing that enticed me to weather the surf was for naught or was different entirely, I just couldn't see it through the mists?
That's part of the thrill I suppose, the all or nothing factor embedded in such things. The island holds no certainty, only possibility. Whether or not I can find them or fulfill them is up to me and the chance of life.
Should I then only swim to shore when I know it's a sure thing? Or wait for my proverbial ship to get to port.
Waiting hurts me however, and I wish never to wait for things to happen. It makes me feel mediocre in practice, "taking the safe road" as it were.
My soul is invigorated by the possibility of failure and the opportunity to grow. Since these actions of uncertainty entail at least that conclusion. I will grow from the experience. I will break new ground in my own life and see islands uncharted by myself thus far.
The fear that I feel stems mostly from the backlash I'll endure if I ever have to swim back to the ship. Returning to safety to lick my wounds from a failed venture or even a temporary one that isn't deemed suited for a productive life.
That is the crux of it all I think. The main reason why I dare to swim to shore in the first place. Being a placid passenger on the ship of life and following the path of others before me simply because that's how life "needs to be lived".
"Get a job. Pay your dues. Settle down." - slow down. take life for granted.
"You can't do that, that's not responsible." - I didn't achieve much because of my actions, but I see this as normal.
"Grow up." - stop floundering. You need to do as we have done.
If growing up means to latch myself to your views of life then I will stay young. I will find and swim to as many shores as I can or need to before I find my own paradise or at the very least the strength to not have to swim back to the ship.
I want to one day reach the sand turn back and see the ship disappear over the horizon knowing that I've finally found my home or again at least my own feet to keep me moving towards something new.
Currently I'm looking for my next island adventure. I have my sights set on a few but I'm afraid my fears are holding me back once again. You can only hear these things long enough before they break you down into submission.
Two questions keep playing in my mind as I ponder what to do next - What will bring me the most happiness over the longest period of time? and What can I do to benefit those I care about most?
How best to answer those questions I'm still trying to find out. Weighing the options before me but feeling the pull of the islands within reach.
What should I do?
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