I'm searching for something I can't find, something I can't fathom or explain. A feeling from my youth. A fleeting sense that existed in my chest. A memory of things that used to be that I can't find again no matter how hard I look. In the sounds of sad songs, or the eyes of another. I can't find the feeling I lost when my innocence left me. It was gradual, nothing I could help from happening. You don't know its gone until you look for it in your reflection, noticing the light in your eyes has died.
I spend my days hoping I'll find some semblance of my old self, the parts I miss not the ones I chose to kill. The parts that died; collateral damage of growing up. I see pieces of what I yearn for in fleeting moments wishing they'd stay for longer than a second but they disappear as fast as they come. A pressure in my chest reminds me of the way things used to be. The pleasure I used to find in simple things persists but it hides in the darkness of how much I've grown. The shadow of experience has hidden the things I used to love or take solace in.
Nostalgia pulls me down and back to them. The smell of a video store, 5 p.m. in my bedroom with the TV on, weekends with friends, drives in my mom's car with the radio on, staying up late on Friday nights, talking to a girl in the hallway, wishing to be more than I was.
The sound of an old song brings me back to them. The pain and pleasure of those emotions flood me. Hoping for the past while I waste away in the present. What should I do to affect this for my betterment?
I can't help but miss those things.
decaying at 18 by shinigami (ft. supachefm)
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