I often live my life in day dreams; little scenes depicting my wishes in a form and fashion which helps my heart grow as much as ache. I see myself in the arms of a lover. I see myself with my hand on my son's shoulder. I see the home I call my own, full to bursting around the holidays. I see a smile upon my face and in my soul.
These daydreams keep me from darkness. They keep me in the light. They also fill me with pain more often than not. Pain of knowing some dreams don't come true. Pain of regret.
My latest daydream involves a family. My family. The one I've created. I'm older in the image, in the scene: grey hair, wrinkled face, tougher skin. I'm standing with my wife and my two faintly adult children, in a pose for a photo.
I scarcely believe this image is me. I see the man and think, "Surely that can't be me. I'll never have what he has. I'll never have that stability."
For that is one thing my life has always lacked. A foundation. Stability. I've been without this for as long as I can remember.
There has always been upheaval, destruction, uncertainty and fear of loss. And a lot of loss to accompany that fear.
So in this daydream I see a world where that stability finally exists. I have the life I wish I had had as a child. A stable home, a stable family, a stable life. In this image I've built a foundation, a pathway for each successive portrait, snapped in time, to succeed the next without a hiccup.
The daydream bounces from relative youth to relative old age. Spanning the growth of my two children. Each picture framed shows a family built on solid foundations. Ready to weather any storm thrown its way because the base is so strong.
That's a daydream I've had recently. A daydream I hope becomes a reality.
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