In Retrospect: The Finale

The past three years have been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It all started on the heels of the best summer of my life and has culminated in what I could probably say has been the worst year of my life. To go from such heights of feeling total and utter emotional fulfillment to a level of despondence that had the knife at my throat. To see all that I desired and loved wither away until all I could hope to desire was death. To still be reeling at the detriment of my own well being.

I have loved and lost much since that first drunken night expressing feelings that lead to nothing.

Well not nothing. Because of that confession I saw myself leave my family home to venture out on my own to be semi self sufficient. I made plans to create a life with someone and felt love spring anew.

Though all those plans and feelings and hopes have been consumed by the passing of time. No future existed with ties to those lines and because of the ultimate failure of the endeavor I feel bereft of the will to live beyond it.

I've been in a cycle of self consuming suicidal tendencies, anxious paralysis, and fear of loss. Too much of a coward to end it all and too much of a coward to make things better.

I feared that a year hence my last update things would be different. I could never have imagined that they'd be the same in so many ways. With these choices I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Yet, things don't all remain. I lose with each revolution. I've lost friends and love. I've lost prospects for the future. I've lost my will to carry on.

Though that string has been weak for years. I've attempted to rebuild it with each passing day. With each new interaction. And in 2017 I felt I was going in the right direction. But damn it all if I didn't trip myself up in the process.

I wasn't crippled by a relationship. I wasn't lost in the depths of depression. I wasn't wishing for death. Until I made that fatal mistake. Those drunken words.

All ups since that day have been false positives. Leading me longer down this road of self destruction I thought I was off all those years ago.

I've sullied my haven and now I feel that is nothing that can bring me back from this self inflicted hell.

People are better off without me. Not the me they have in their minds, not the me they've known and come to love, the me that exists right now sitting in this chair lamenting life. A mentally crippled soul, courting death with each passing breath.

I love you but that love will only go so far.