Bury me at sea

If I left the life I live now what would I do with all the free time I'd be awarded? Deciding to go to college was the worst mistake I could have done in my young life. I'm so far in debt I can't just pick up and go, I'll have that hanging over me for the rest of my life and I hate it.

Is life meant to be this mindless grind? How is working 40+ hours a week bettering myself? How is that bettering the world? Because I know it isn't making me happy. It isn't keeping the darkness at bay. It doesn't keep me from wishing I'd disappear in my sleep.

If it wasn't about the money I'd spend my time writing, I'd spend it living, I'd spend it without worry. As it stands, I work to pay off bills, I work to stay afloat. I'm working towards the grave.

I am not happy at my job. I've never been happy with my work.

I can't even say what would make me happy. I don't think I'll know until I find it, but I'm not finding it in a cubicle. I'm not finding it in conference calls, or office meetings. I'm not finding it in KPI's or useless banter. I'm not finding it in QCC emails or service requests. It isn't there.

My keyboard is my bond, my desk is my prison, and money is my jailer.

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I imagined I was standing on a beach, my toes in the sand, a warm breeze passing by me as I stood alone, listening to the ocean ebb and flow. A tear left my eye as I raised my arms and felt the ocean breeze holding me up. I smiled a smile that was more genuine then I can recall. I was at peace. In a fraction of a second the doubts and worries were gone. But that isn't a life.

That isn't sustainable. It's a glimpse at a blip in the life of a troubled man. One fraction of the time spent. A person can't live off solace, they can't flourish in peace. They settle there. It is the end of the journey, or at least what we hope is the end.

The end of that vision had me dying. That image of the ocean burned into my mind as the last thing I would ever see. The warmth of the sand filling me up and the smell of the ocean giving me peace. Calm, Silent, Peace.

What journey will take me to that end? What should I accomplish before it comes? Does that even matter? Or is the only thing that matters my sanity? My solace. My peace of mind. We don't live in a world that nurtures, we live in one that pushes and destroys. Don't think I'm complaining however, it is what it is and we can't change everything. But I can and will take my life into my own hands one day.

I hope it's sooner rather than later.

I long for the ocean.