I

I look at myself in the past trying to decipher the person I've changed from to who I am today. What changes have transpired to take me from a pimple faced teen to an overweight twenty something. I was trying to see which pictures conveyed the most happiness and what caused that reaction in me.

To often recently I've been dwelling on the negative and drowning myself in self abhorrence and loathing. I'm told by some that it isn't warranted because I'm actually a fairly decent human being and deserve better than I give myself.

Since I feel the way I do and my mind is corrupted I can't agree with this of course. I'm consistently stuck on this notion that I'm worthless, I take up space, and I'll never be happy or cause true happiness in another.

I can't tell you where this makes birth inside my mind, but it's been there for longer than I can remember. Once I lost the mindset of the "nice guy" syndrome and became highly introspective, I pressed my psyche to the grindstone and withered it past the point of repair. Whittling my self worth and respect down to pebbles instead of sharpening them and making them stronger.

The crucible that is introspection will either destroy you or forge a stronger entity. I feel that I've become the former and am worthy of only the junk pile.

My smile is weak. My will is absent. My dreams are faint. My heart is quiet. My eyes are tired. My disposition is dark and tainted.

I want to talk myself out of this hole but at the same time I'm wishing for the hole to close and the story to end. Looking at myself from the outside-in I see someone I despise. It seems no wonder why I've not attracted someone, when the aura I emanate is one of negativity.

My life will come to a close one way or another and every year it seems like it's getting closer to the end. The chapters are growing shorter and the plot-line is losing it's hold.

Almost time for a rewrite.

I am praised. I am hated. I am loved. I am abandoned. I am admired. I am loathed. I am secure. I am threatened. I am empty. I am whole. I am cold. I am done.