Follow the Leader

Escapism - the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

A large portion of time and energy spent in my life has been for one goal. Escape. 

I just spent the past ten minutes laying on a bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what I would do with all my capabilities now if I was 15 again right now. Then it hit me. I'd spend my time trying to escape. Escape reality. Escape my life. 

Up until the fall of my 15th year of life I felt I kinda knew what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't feel stressed out about the future I was mostly stressed about dating and maybe grades. It wasn't until after September of 2005 did my view of my future change. 

Ever since then I've fluctuated from knowing to not knowing what I want to do with my life with "not knowing" being the more recent occurrence. 

When I was young, 11-12, I wanted to be a "scientist" and do something with science. When I got a little older I wanted to make video games, when I got a little older I wanted to make music videos, when I got a little older I wanted to be an astrophysicist. Now I think I want to be a writer. 

Deep down I just want to escape. I want to strip away this reality and just escape into a fantasy. I was never one that could cope with the real world well. Relationships with loved ones, friends, and family all fail. The inevitability of death looming. My own failings at becoming a useful part of society or functioning adult. All this weighs down on me and I wish to escape. 

The past saw me escape in games or music. Recently over the past few years suicide has been the escape I feel I'll eventually take. Now and like before I simply wish to dissolve into the breeze. 

Or maybe I still wish for a fantastical adventure to pop up in my mundane life. Although I could spend the rest of my life waiting for that to happen. Dying alone wishing I had disappeared sooner. 

I just want to escape.