Love Lost on the Turning Page

After a summer of love and lust I've felt somewhat hollow....no not hollow that's the wrong word to describe it. I've not had a feeling of longing that usually accompanies the distance through time and space in association with a woman. I spent the better part of two months with one person slowly but surely falling for her as we spoke in the night, held hands and shared the same breath. As our time progressed we eventually shared intimate time together and yet in the absence I don't feel a sense of remorse or longing. In fact I feel a general sense of non-emotion. I don't long for her and for that matter I don't long for anyone else. I've made drastic changes to my psyche as it pertains to relationships and how I interact with them pre-, during and post said relationship. My days of lamenting time spent apart and fear of abandonment have been eclipsed by a dismissal of feelings. The old me would have fallen head over heels in love with this girl from the outset, if not when we had slept together and yet the man I am now can dismiss it. Part of me wishes I wasn't this way, wishes I was capable of more sentimentality. Not that I'm fully incapable of feeling love but with her it didn't happen which in of it self surprises me immensely. I've not felt many pangs of regret or pain and the ones I do feel are fleeting. I've accepted that our relationship wasn't bound for much post camp even though part of me was open to it continuing in some way or another. The lack of it isn't hindering me mentally or emotionally, at least outwardly that I can tell. In fact having this limbo of a relationship as it stands right now having no words been exchanged between us confirming or denying any potential for a relationship or in the absence of words very blatant actions on her part to show me that it isn't a potential, have been a very cathartic feeling. I don't feel the need to replace her or seek out another. Although, her apparent social distance of late as relates to me personally has been a very clear indication where her priorities are, which is only natural. She is concentrating on setting up her life at college and a summer romance doesn't really fit into that framework. Frankly, having a relationship with her at this time would be, not detrimental, which is the first word that came to mind, but definitely a hindrance or perhaps a draw from attentions I should be focusing at other endeavors. My previous worries about not being worthy of her in the long run still manifest to me in times of reflection and in ways it is true. I couldn't provide much to a committed relationship right now if she were so inclined. In turn she wouldn't be able to provide much on her end being consumed by her college life. Again, this is expected and I think this is all made easier by my apparent immediate appraisal and acceptance of evident truths. Namely, she is young, in college, four hours away, consumed by college life (parties, boys, school work, etc.) and wouldn't be much of a companion to my current life situations. In my struggle to grow up and accept hard truths about myself I couldn't in good conscience drag her along through that mud, the same mud that's been keeping me dirty for years now. Despite my desire to be with a companion of her caliber, as attractive, sweet and affectionate she can be, trying to force/expect/hope for something with her is a losing notion. It's almost a waste of mental capacity to even entertain the idea, which is why I haven't caught myself reminiscing too much or even ruminating on her at all. The only pain I've felt is her lack of communication which is disparaging. On the side of things where people deem me a great guy so she'd be so lucky, I don't subscribe to that. No amount of intrinsic merit, true or otherwise, outweighs hard realities. She is in a place in her life where she will be consumed by school and the comings and goings of being an early twenty something, where I am a struggling almost thirty year old with nothing to show for life aside from a "great" personality. With no means to provide for myself materially, which is fleeting yet necessary, I shouldn't try to convince myself I could or should even begin a relationship of short term or longevity anytime soon. These are the same limitations I put upon myself at the beginning of the year when I had my epiphany regarding my old need for solace provided by a female companion. Since those old ties were severed and my mind finally changed for the better regarding that limitation, I have and should continue to stick to my previous goals. Namely, finish my novel manuscript draft, attempt to improve my skills and get published. Alongside that goal, I need to become financially stable as I knew only a few short years ago. My years of strife and loss have made drastic changes to my mind and my strength of will. All these changes, small or severe have also strengthened me to dismiss such lofty dreams of being with a young beautiful girl for more than a fleeting moment. I gained a lot from the experience and learned more about myself and what I'm willing to put up with and go through for the sake of my happiness. I do miss our interactions, that is true and I will hold her affections as a benchmark for the future. Other than that I don't have much else to say. However, I know this all might change, to my detriment, if she were to come around in the next few weeks, asking for my companionship. If the first two weeks are indeed a fluke and she actually wishes for something more, I will have to converse with her about the limitations I see and the goals we'd have to set. To know her level of commitment is my first and only requirement of this. If it is as fleeting as I suspect, although I have felt differently on occasion about that precise thing I can't tell heads or tails of it, if it is fleeting then there will be a clear dismissal of future plans outright and in the open. I think that is why for now I'm taking things as they come but having more of the stance that things are unofficially over and nothing more will come of it. The previous mental gymnastics I would subject myself to are also absent which I am thankful for. As I've said before during this courting, only time will tell.