A day ago I found myself driving home and the drive from anywhere back to my house becomes unbearable after about twenty minutes (the drive being over 45 mins if I'm anywhere important). Usually when I hit that point of the drive The Pull starts to take effect and the seduction of jerking my wheel becomes stronger and stronger. The classical music pouring through my speakers are enough to keep me steady, or at least that's what I give credit to for keeping me on the straight and narrow.
I know what causes this pulling of my mind. For the past years I've felt a lack of control in my life and doing something substantial such as that would, in theory, give me full control of my situation if only for a second or two. That yearning for control creates a substantial amount of stress on my load bearing centers. But this most recent drive was different.
I imagined my future and the possibility that lay before me if I attempt a certain route. I saw myself older and happy, surrounded by people that love me and by people that I love in turn. In that moment of that vision I surrendered. I surrendered control and I surrendered doubt and fear to that vision.
And I felt a wave of calm.
I always weigh different options and have an almost constant push and pull in my mind about my future. This harkens back to my constant "choices-without-choosing" problem. But for a second in my life while confronted with a wild instance of control (the pull) I surrendered.
I believe we are on tracks that lead us into the future and if we only surrender to the path we will find it becomes less cumbersome.
Here is to me surrendering and hopefully seeing that vision come true in 2018.
The sun hits my face and a smile spreads as I see your face. We're older now but happier than we've ever been. It only gets better from here. The bell chimes and the hustle begins anew but I'm content in this chaos. Content in this life, for the first time in forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment