Someone In Control

What does the mind do when it has too many choices? It gets hyperactive, shorts out, then shuts down.

At least that's what happens to my mind.

I attempt to do a simple task: read a book. But in the attempt I realize if I have the free time to read a book, then I could also equally use that time to watch a movie, or start my laundry, or write a poem, or paint a picture, or take a walk, or play a video game, or start that friendship bracelet, or call a friend, or do the dishes, or make a sandwich, or, or, or...... bouncing from task to task in my head not choosing yet going over the choices until the time set aside to read is consumed by not making the choice.

I've felt this same struggle with much greater things than just occupying my free time. I've gone through this mental circus while trying to choose a career, or to go to school, or to move away, or to stay at home, or to finish my book, or to start a comedy show, or make a youtube channel, or start a podcast, or become a teacher, or, or, or, or, until I'm almost 30 and I'm still trying to choose.

In my life I have made choices, many choices. When they are limited it's easy to make them. When it's between making coffee or not, untying my shoes or not, washing my hair or not, those choices are simple. They are binary choices. To do or not to do.

But when the choices are open, say "how do I fill my time?" or "What do I want to be when I grow up?" the multitude of choice cripples me.

I see too many possibilities so I choose none. I can't pick between them so I won't pick any.

The fear of missing out on an opportunity in one regard stops me from experiencing any opportunities at all.

This has been an ongoing issue for me in life and I don't see it ever ending.

Will I get an apartment? Or will I move to Maine? Will I go back to college? Or will I just work 9-5? Will things ever change or will I stay stuck in this never ending cycle of choices and not choosing?

I need a push in the right direction. A closing of doors. I need someone to make the choice for me or I'll stay in this limbo forever.