Warmth in Winter

In the late fall and winter months I tend to lock myself in my room; shutting out the cold and the dark of the decaying world outside and yet creating a world of cold and dark inside as well. 

It's a cycle I tend to play out year after year. My old solaces found in escapism are now gone from me and when I reminisce on them it only drives a pain deeper into me. The fact that the days of the past were filled with strife but I found a recourse to help stem the tide of seclusion. Now that recourse is absent and all I'm left with is the pain. The pain of loneliness and solitude, partially of my own making, the pain of separation and the pain of darkness. 

In this though I don't yearn for warmth on the outside. Most people when confronted with cold and darkness attempt to escape it altogether. My family always speaks of moving south to warmer climes but I don't share that sentiment. I want to find a way to embrace the cold and conquer it. Running from the darkness doesn't defeat it, it only strengthens it. You must overcome it to truly advance. 

The way I wish to combat it though involves things I can't get at this moment. A companion to keep me warm in mind and spirit as well as body. An environment that helps foster a sound mind and clear view of the future. A home that has warmth embedded within it even when the lights are off and the fire is out. I yearn for the strength to see the beauty in the cold, the mystery of the darkness. 

The changing of seasons has always been a detriment to me but I can see that years of dealing with it have made me wise to it and I hope that as the years keep going by I will become stronger. 

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In this instant I see a den, warm and inviting, beckoning me to join in the serenity. There is a low fire that needs tending and the first snow of winter is dancing outside. In the corner sits a chair with a little side table, a book and lamp upon them. Next to that is a couch and where you are sleeping, a blanket haphazardly pulled over you and your own book laying on the floor. I smile as I see your calm quiet expression in sleep. I lift you up from the couch and cart you to our bed and put you back to sound sleep, kissing your forehead as I withdraw. It pains me to have to leave you alone for another night but work can't help but whisk me away. I stop at the door frame and look at you again and my lips part. 

"I love you...sweet dreams." 

I bundle up and exit the house greeted by the fierce winter that seemed so serene while observing it from the warm den. I pull the scarf closer to my face and shiver a little but the old pain I felt in my chest at such times is nowhere to be found and if I had the notion, I'd smile at the fact. I'm where I need to be, but also where I want to be. I'm home.