In Your Arms I Feel Alive

It's a terrible thing to not know who you are, but it is equally terrifying to actually know. To know your weaknesses, your faults. To know the cause of each mistake and each downfall that has come from your own soul.

I'm not as independent as I claim to be. In certain aspects I can hold my own. Small fleeting instances. But in the grand scheme of things I'm not independent.

I thrive when I'm with someone, made whole by another person. All worry and doubt falls away in the eyes of a woman who loves me and shows it. I am a better man when I am in love and loved in return. Complete. Secure. Happy.

I am in chaos when I am alone. Grasping at straws and worried what the next day will bring. Full of self doubt and self contempt. Destroyed by my loneliness. Afraid I will end up this way for the rest of my life.

I've always been a romantic. Someone who strives for love, who dies for love. Someone who gives more than he gets, and gives even more the less he receives. I pour my heart and soul into a bond with another person with little to show for it.

This is all I know. Each endeavor is spent to win over someone, to win their love, and finally feel whole again. Writing poems, bending over backwards, looking past faults, and clinging to the light that is love.

No matter what I give, however, I never find what I need for more than a fleeting moment.

How do you build a life off something so fleeting? You can't. It's not possible.

So what is someone like me to do? Wait on the back burner for love to come around? Keep searching for new avenues hoping one will last longer then the past? Or give up entirely?

If you don't burn as passionately in love as me you won't understand this problem. Not many do. And sadly it's too much for some.

I hate admitting I'm the type of person that needs someone to be happy. Especially when all those around me say, you need to love yourself first. Is it wrong to say I get my worth from the smile, the soft words, the lips of another? To gain confidence in myself when someone is rooting for me? To feel love when I'm pouring my heart out at the feet of someone else?

It's all I know, all I've ever known. I'll keep being this way no matter what happens.

Until it kills me.